Sometimes Screaming

I've been reading a lot of relationship, love and dating blogs lately. I may have spent the majority of my life in a relationshio, but staying in a relationship is easy. Far to easy. It's easier to stay with something your used to, but hate, than to find the courafe to leave and walk into the unknown.

That said, a lot of these blogs simply show that the unknown is a landscape ravaged with peaks, crevices and plenty of landmines that you must traverse in order to reach the heavenly plains of romantic bliss beyond the horizon.

Some of the very very worst dates ever can be found at -> myveryworstdate.com

Other great Dating and looking for love blogs include : Plenty more fish out of water by fishy and Rapunzel's Tales from the Ttower - These two bloggers are so committed that they even met and went out on a date together, for the sake of love and their blogs. It was great fun to read their posts with great anticipation.

Another great one is Tales from an Internet Dater : Right know this blogess is in the throws of the buzzingly exciting newly in love relationship status. not with a man she met online, but rather a guy who came to help fix her boiler! Really hope it all goes well for her.

Kitty tells it like it is  : A yound single mum who is also navigating her way through building a new 'post serious relationship' but seems to be doing well, and is fun to read.

There are more but these are my favourites.

Enjoy

Ive got 2 small tattoo's and love them both dearly as they both represent huge influences on my life - )however Ive copped flack for not having my sons name tattooed on my flesh - so am looking at ambigrams of Andy)

I have a pink robbin on my right arm in honour of my dearly loved Nanna who passed away on April 9th 2008. She had breast cancer that although was once cured, it returned vengefully and had great effect on her right arm. She lost her ability to write clearly yet she kept practising. Under the effects of strong Narcotics she practised her writing in the front of a book I had lent to her. That book now means so much more to me.

(I once died, but was obviously revived. It was April 9th 1994 - Huge love of trivia and co-incedences)

My Other Tattoo is a black Letter 'K' at the bottom of my rib cage/top of my stomache. It sits above a thick scar from an operation, and is over a scar of the letter K which I created by carving into my flesh over a number of years.

Of Course it is in honour of Kurt Cobain. Who wouldve been celebrating turning 43 today! He was and still is a huge part of my life.

I never want to get a tattoo that doesnt mean something significant to me.

I have always wanted the lyrics - "'cause the ones that hurt can give so much, you gave mr such" from 'Tearjerker' by RHCP which is about Kurt Cobain. I used to sing it to my son as a lullaby when he couldnt sleep as a baby.

So I guess the lyrics would honour both my son and Kurt at the same time - but think ANDY will have to come first.

I do not have a great body - well and truly far from it, so where to put it is hard to decide. Im thinking on my hip though, or on my left arm.

(If I had a great ass I'd get "I wish I was like you ... easily amused" from 'All Apologies' by NIRVANA on my back - just think it would be kind of funny.)




As yet Im still undecided as to what my new tattoo will be of or what it will look like - but chances are it will be text, most likely an ambigram of ANDY - an ambigram being a word that reads the same (or something else related) forwards, backwards, upside down and right side up. It was used in the Dan Brown novel & movie - 'Angels & Demons'



Beautiful Disaster - Ambigram tattoo design

Im really into Ambigrams, and have been trying to create my own - really shouldve known there would be online ambigram generators'Beautiful Disaster' is a beautiful song my foster sister sang at her younger brother's funeral - i think Kelly Clarkson sang it first - It is most definitely about an addict, and probably a manic depressive one at that. So it's just another design I'm considering

Really Can't wait!!!

Another Day passes, Another year ends, Tomorrow is my birthday. Another year of life over, Another ready to begin.

My year of being 30 brought me much pleasure and even more pain. But because I lived through it I will never be the same.

I'm feeling all nostalgic, and a little sorry for myself. The last time I had a great birthday was in 1994 when I turned 15. It is hard for me to choose my favorite birthday, but 14 and 15 are pretty much neck and neck. They were just amazing!!

Every birthday since has been tinged with sadness, and often loaded up with pain. 16 was possibly the worst, but that was the last before my ex was to blame.

I always felt that Feb 20th was just a special date, it wasn't until my 14th that I felt like it was fate. Kurt Cobain shared my Birth Date, My Chinese Zodiac too. It was on my 14th that I got to celebrate this fact.

I was living in a teenage refuge, glad to have escaped my fathers roof and wrath. I didn't think It would be a very happy day. In the refuge we could only receive phone calls from family members, and was shocked when the worker came to get me to tell me my cousin was on the phone.

My cousin? My eldest cousin was about 9 at the time, and knew there was no way they would be calling me, and certainly not at the place I was staying. Somewhere between the loungeroom and the office where the phone was, the penny started to drop.

Could it possibly not be my cousin, but maybe Noddy's cousin - aka The Star. He had left town just prior to Christmas, taking my heart with him. I had two or three boyfriends in the mean time, and so many more since. But the Star was my first and truest love. He was my 14th Birthday present. And no other present has ever quite measured up - not even when I got engaged exactly ten years later.

15 was special for other reasons, for it was the one celebrated the best. Surrounded by so many friends, a surprise party which I managed to ruin the surprise of!!! It still meant the world to me that my beautiful foster mother organised it for me when I though I was going to be spending the weekend alone. I was showered with gifts, not at great expense, but presents that were great and true. Many were hand made and beautiful, I still have most of them and treasure them deeply.

The best one was when little Ben literally gave me the shirt off of his back. A long sleeved black T-shirt, Led Zepplin's Swan Song. The boy upon whom I had the hugest of crushes took of his shirt and showed my his incredibly hot skeletal frame, and spent the rest of the day being my eye candy!! I will never forget that day. In the 16 years that have passed that shirt simply gets thinner and thinner, but I will never ever get rid of it.

15 was the last time I got to share my birthday with Kurt Cobain. Every year since then his shadow has remained.

16 was harsh and cruel, then I met Mr.E and he ruined all the rest. Just wonder what he has in store for me to rain on my parade!

Mona Lisa Nailed - A recreation of Da Vinci's Mona Lisa, created by a tradesman using a nail gun - Absolutely Amazing


9RAW: Tradesman ‘paints’ Mona Lisa with nail gun

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York

"Take me out, Take me under, Lack of sleep, Lack of Slumber, Without Dreams, All sounds are Thunder, What is Peace, I'll always Wonder." Violet Goodwin

I have a Doppelganger. She is my identical twin. I have met her - many years ago - her name is Esther. She stole my birth certificate - I stole her boyfriend - She definitely got the better deal!!

Doppelganger is also the super cool Hairdressers where I get my Oh so Original hair style!  - If your in Sydney - GO THERE - right near Newtown Station xx Violet

Otherwise, I made a Pretty Picture Whilst waiting for dawn to arrive.... Sadly I am yet to find my sleep.

Pain andAgony, Wrath and Rapture. All are evident in the Lyrics of my god. Kurt Cobain.

I can barely begin to explain the way his words have always spoken to me.

I can Barely begin to explain how Hot Dave Grohl is to my eyes. I held onto a crush for over half my lifetime, because... amongst other things, this guy looked like Dave Grohl. I only wish I had a photo to show you the crush guy!!


Anyway, was looking for Mr hottness that is Dave, and came across a post comparing the two former Bandmates. I couldn't help myself but to comment -> see below, but doubt what I wrote makes much sense as I head into the final straights of 48 hours without sleep!

I honestly can't decide which is more frustrating, Silence or Insomnia!

Anyway the Article -> From the Blog Entitled Facing Abuse -> the Post - Cobain and Grohl: Mythic Heroes. They are both my heroes in one way or the other. Kurt of my soul, Dave of my eyes and teeny bopper fan hormones.

As for my comments.... very badly written and not even thought out.... here they are:

You make some good points. I don’t know either of them, as I doubt many people who write about NIRVANA, Kurt, Dave etc do. But… there's always a but! I was there to witness it all, albeit at a distance.
We are formed by both nature and nurture. Our Genes and our lives experiences are what create our individual selves. They shared part of each others journey through life. I guess all I’m saying is that I agree, yet still feel an innate desire to defend Kurt.
Possibly even more so his lyrics. The man was a lyrical genius. Dave Grohl can out drum him, and I admit plays guitar ‘better’ than kurt. But when you are analysing Lyrics, especially those of Kurts, there is so much more written in between the lines. Often the empty spaces are packed full of meaning, where as at other times Lyrics that stand out as genius are merely words.
Kurt smells like teen spirit – a piece of insulting humor that was graffiti, but brought Generation X to our feet. A line such as “Who will be the King and Queen of all of the outcasted teens” speaks absolute volumes, yet was left in a notebook, not even getting the chance to fall victim to the cutting room floor. (it is a lyric from the originally penned smells like teen spirit – possibly the most hated piece of his brilliance)
Rape Me – I paid $3k to get a radio station to play it whilst fundraising for tsunami relief. Yes its Angry, Yes it’s in your Face, And YES its far too often misinterpreted, It actually speaks out against Rape and gives courage to its victims. It may well be the most brilliant of all his songs.
I love Dave Grohl, I absolutely do. And I understand the points you are making regarding his lyrics being much more upbeat and up tempo etc. But a Fairer comparison may have been between Heart Shaped Box by cobain and Marigold by Grohl, two different songs on the same single.
Not sure If I have a point as such….. But really hate the way that Rape me gets misinterpreted.!

And that's about that.

I am the ultimate Kurt Cobain Fan. I tattooed a K upon my chest, after many years of carving one there. I am lucky and honored (& crazy enough to love the fact) that I share his Birthday. I always knew Feb 20th was special. . . If I drew comparisons between our lives, I should've died at 27!!

A Candle Never Loses its Light by Lighting Another Candle. an ancient proverb

When a Candle shares it's flame with another, Its flame is not diminished nor Its illumination dimmed. By sharing its flame with another, It creates another flame. A flame that can now also be shared and combined their ability to illuminate grows such that together they can shine light into places where darkness once hid.



I'd like to think that a Heart can be like a candle. Not loosing its love by sharing it with another, but rather gaining experience and the power that comes with such. Deepening and enriching the life of the hearts owner as well as the hearts it shares its Love with.

 At least that is my take - Once I can put that, along with a few points as to why guilt shouldn't be felt, My Reply to the message should be almost complete.

If only sleep were like a candle, or a heart. Yet again I ponder on my love for sleep and the unrequited love insomnia has for me.

It was rather odd. Completely out of the blue, without provocation, and for no reason I can come up with, I got a text from the person I've just spent almost 6 weeks pining for. The person whom I finally felt I'd gotten over.

Yesterday I was reading a post on a blog called Between the sheets, the author ponders why is it that When past loves hear that we are single again they find themselves compelled to contact us

I know that he hasn't contacted me because he's heard I'm single, my relationship status has remained constantly empty!

Apparently he was feeling bad, or guilty about the way things ended. Why couldnt he find the courage to say those words six weeks ago when I really needed to hear it. Despite being slightly peeved that he has now drawn up feelings I had worked so hard to put to bed, it's somewhat comforting that he still had my number.

I don't hold onto some stupid hope that the message was anything other than him feeling sorry for himself and wanting forgiveness to escape a guilt that must have somehow grown within his soul. I knew the person I was getting involved with, and silent treatment following one night stands was almost his reason dietre.

I still have questions, although I doubt he wants to answer them, let alone the balls to do so. Just taking a breath before I delve into actually speaking to him, or trying to tend to any of the unwoven threads. I don't even know if I want to. Why now? Why when I finally felt like I had completely moved on does this person pop up again just out of the blue?

I know Ive wanted him to walk back out of the fog, but just don't know how to feel or what to think. I did respond, but have left it open... not my usual way, but I need to think before I respond - would like to be able to rescue a friendship out of the entire kybosh!

Have had nothing to do today - the house work all got done by the ex/partner in parenting/flatmate/who knows hot to define our relationship guy - All Ive done is sleep til late and cook dinner. In between I screwed around with re-coloring butterflies.

Decided to turn them into a slideshow. This being the result:






Enjoy!

want to create your own slideshow featuring your picasa photos  and embed it in your blog or web site-> http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/getEmbed

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allen Poe

I met my son's father when I was 16. We moved in together almost instantly. He was a messy pig who still took his washing home to his mum once a week. I was in love, I was blind, So I stupidly cleaned his room whilst he was at work.... As a way of showing him I loved him and that I wanted to look after him.

Big Mistake....

In the 15 odd years since then I can only clearly remember him cleaning three times. 1- when we moved out of the first place we shared he cleaned the shower to get his bond back. 2- he washed the dishes one day because he felt guilty for smoking a joint (he had/has a huge issue with pot) and 3- After we moved from Sydney he spent a morning scrubbing his BBQ. It was really filthy.

He has only ever cooked for me a few times, baked beans on toast when I was pregnant and couldnt eat, and the occasional bbq here and there.

Today after he got home from work (he's a truck driver and works sunday-thursday nights travelling to Sydney and back) Instead of heading to bed, he instead took our son to the supermarket to buy some food, returning home to cook breakfast - very odd.

I was asleep on the lounge - definately not a morning person. By the time I woke up not only had he cooked breakfast, but he had done 5 loads of washing, the dishes were clean, beds were made and he was vacuuming!

I now have a very clean house, clean clothes - my lounge room floor is no longer covered in my clothes, the dust on the book case is gone, and the rubbish and filth from his bedroom has made its way to the bun. Somehow the lawn also looks perfectly manicured. - I'm god damn shocked. I won't forget today in a hurry

He must want something. This is a guy who never lifts a finger, no matter how much I used to whinge. Curiosity is killing me. I want to know whats up. He's either done something really bad, or wants a humongous favor - I want to know - NOW.

Apparently "unfriend" was the word of the year for 2009 - @ least according to this article from dailymail.co.uk

They may say 'unfriend', however I think popular opinion would side with the slightly different term of 'de friend' to describe the action of removing a 'friend' from your friends list on social networking sites, most commonly Facebook. However after actually taking the time to actually "look" at what it says on facebook - I think the correct term would be removing a friend.

You may already know that at the beginning of the year I was in a little poke war with an ex love. I love Facebook poking! I really need to sit down and properly write about how my heart healed itself through a string of pokes, the amazing restorative properties of a very tiny icon. . . but today is not that day!

Today I'm going to tell you about poking another ex love, and 'accidentally' getting de-friended in the process! This is the ex love I wrote about in my post 'That Summer' I think I'll call him "the Star" for reasons only known to him.

He is such a great guy, great mate! Totally cracks me up whenever I'm Down, Supports me when I'm falling apart and encourages me when I feel like quitting! He really is a star!

I hadn't chatted with him for a week or two, and the poking war had begun to diminish, I figured I'd start one with him. Only for entertainment value - & for the fact that you can know someone's still alive and kicking when they don't upgrade their Facebook status. (I truly believe there is so much more to be said for the facebook poke - its truly marvelous!!)

A day or two later I was checking out Super Poke on Facebook - so much more to do than just poke! I decided to throw a sheep @ the star, but when I went looking for him in my friends list, but he wasn't there!

I was scared for a second. Had the star fallen from the sky? Did I forget to make a wish as he shot across the sky on his way into social networking oblivion?

So I searched for him on Facebook, Found him easily (he really is a one of a kind. If I ever find another person with his name . . .well I will buy a lottery ticket!!!) There he was, the sweet pic of him and wife to be, there was the box saying mutual friends. But He was no longer my friend!!!

What had I done? I know I failed to answer him via Facebook chat, he called me a whore, If I had been at my computer I wouldve responded with slut, But this missed message was weeks ago. Pre Poke!

Hit friend request, added message - " De-friended me huh? Pfftttt!!

A day later my news feed showed The Star and Violet Goodwin are now friends.

Then get the message saying I mustv'e defriended him, Pffft! again.

Then the answer, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me. . . I wouldn't call it de-friending, I'd call it drunken wife to be logging in as me.

Panic ensued, far greater panic than when I discovered I as de-friended. And a heavy dose of fear. I have lost many a male mate through marriage. I think I will still boy Mrs star to be a nice fancy set of cuttlery, I just won't mention he stabbed me, or that for one summer we swapped saliva!

Not really much point to this story, It's not funny or insightful. Perhaps in time I will edit it so it will be. I kind of lost my steam thinking of some really great, special and close male friends I have lost to marriage.


As an asside On Facebook you have friends, whilst on Twitter you are either a follower of someone or they are following you. I guess "un-follow" Might make the list for 2010!


mm the conversation with a possibly nosy wife could be another good or boring story to tell. The one that I felt sure was this mates wife questioning a discussion we had had online that later got tagged "naughty!"  I am not a man stealer and am always overjoyed when my mates find love. I just wish their loves could be secure enough to not be jealous of a female friend.

Being A Victim has a Time Limit! Only you can control how long you remain the victim.

There is an expiration date on being a victim of your past!

A villain will always be a villain, but you don't have to stay their victim!

Theres a funny thing about Illegal drugs . .  Despite all of the incredibly negative effects they have on individuals and society as a whole, I saw this image on another website . . . And kind of came to the realisation that it sadly is true!!
I personally found the image posted @ It's Monopoly Money - And find an odd irony in the fact the image is titled 'Medicinal Marijuana' , I suppose the reason for the irony is that people buying weed in Australia get to learn the imperial system of ounces, quarter ounces and if you are into it enough pounds, despite the fact Australia is 100% Metrc.


I have unfortunately had the displeasure of knowing a high number of drug users in the past. Even with a low IQ  and often without a full high school education, the majority can do some pretty quick and odd calculations on the fly!

EG: 1ml Of Methadone Syrup contains 5mg of the drug, 1ml =$2.50  or $0.50c per mg. Throw either measure of 'mils' (both milliliters & milligrams are pronounced the same!!) at a person interested in buying or selling their Take Aay doses of Methadone and they will Immediately throw a figure back at you. Often before I could ever work out which kind of 'mils' either person was talking about!!

Buyer: "How many mils you got left"
me: thinking milligrams or milliliters?
Seller: "75"
Buyer: Doesn't get the chance to ask how much
Seller: " $37.50 thanks"
me: "thinking milligrams or milliliters?
Buyer: hands over $50
Seller: hand over said bottle o 'done' along with $12.50 change.
Both parties are long gone before I even work out what they were saying!!

Irony: It took me longer to work out the ratio's etc for this interaction than it took to type it!!

So if you are worried your being overcharged on your phone bill - find a drug addict to check it for you, apparently they are great @ math.

Sadly despite many varied methods I even FAIL epically when it comes to taking drugs - which I guess is EPIC WIN,

I just wonder if people discriminate against those who use medicinal marijuana in the same way they do against those who are prescribed the drug 'Physeptone' aka Methadone for long term intense pain. I guess I'll never know.

I... I do not remember your love, Ellesime. I have tried to. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory. But it is gone... a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. I look upon you and I feel nothing. I remember nothing but you turning your back on me. Now I hunger only for revenge. And... I... Will... HAVE IT!!

Source:// http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Baldur%27s_Gate_series


Just seems kind of pertinent in regards to a special something - > for G <3 u - revenge is a dish best served stone cold, and ill help you prepare it when the time comes chicka

But it does also reflect the way I am feeling - minus the revenge.  Eventually I will take the time to visit all of my draft posts regarding how a whole bunch of facebook poke's healed my heart. Sounds Insane I know . . . but I am. . .

Someone came into my world for just a moment, but they left behind a light. A light which has illuminated the darkened caverns of my psyche, soul and heart. And given me more insight into

And for this, as well as for things they once did without ever knowing it - I am eternally greatfull. Wishing them nothing but the perfect happiness they deserve. (even if they don't believe it)