Sometimes Screaming

I just can't fight anymore.

I'm too insecure and overflowing with fear to relax and be happy.

I hate it. I hate myself.




Somehow Silence replaced screaming as the answer.

Somedays my problems weigh me down. They spin my mind like a gravitron, pinning me against the wall, unable to move.

Today is one of those days. My mind is over whelmed by the various disasters that are playing out on the stage that is my life.

Then whilst I'm amidst my own mess of self pity and loathing along comes Ewan McGregor and Charlie Borman & their documentary "The Missing Face". Highlighting the devastation and despair caused by the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the worst affected area on the planet - Africa.

It really put my problems in perspective. My 13 yr old may hate me, but he has two parents to care for him, He isn't responsible for 5 younger siblings, he is getting an education and he is healthy. If he had HIV he could, at the very least, receive medical care.

Things that I might be facing are microscopic compared to what these amazing kids are living with and facing on a daily basis- Check out the missing face website & get involved.

It is our world to live in. It is our world to care for.

I should be happy today. I should be celebrating. I have made it through an entire year. It has been a year since I quit methadone.

I've made it through the sickness and fought the agonising physical pain that led me to the evil stuff in the first place.

Instead of celebrating I'm wishing I could run away.

I'm 31 for shits sake - but I'm wishing I could run away!

Im not suicidal, nor am I depressed, but I still don't want to face another day trapped in my life.

I used to say - "You always have a choice - even when it seems you don't" but the 'choice' was to kill yourself. I got over my teenage angst and suicidal tendencies, but it doesn't make choices easier.

Do I stay here miserable and hated or do I run away?

Only problem is that I don't know where to run to...

I AM TORN

The Rock Star has gone silent on me once again.

Perhaps she pushed too far and wore out her welcome.

Not Knowing is agonising... AGAIN


If she knew the reason she could deal.

Someone Died.

I have known people who have died. I have known people who have killed themselves, and many more who have tried. I once even died myself.

I have a close friend who has a very close family member who has taken someone's life. Upon reflection, My amazing cousin most likely has taken lives as well, considering he's a soldier who has had a number of front line assignments or deployments. (Although I would never ever ask him about it.)

I killed a magpie a few months ago when I hit it with my car. I was rather upset.

On February 26th (which happened to be the 23rd anniversary of my brother Justin's death) A huge fight broke out in Port Macquarie. I'm not going to try and give the details as there are far too many versions floating about.

Essentially two groups of guys clashed, one of the guys was killed as he stumbled out onto the road into the path of an oncoming car as a result of the fight. A second guy is, as far as I know still in hospital recovering from the beating.

Here are two articles I found regarding it:
www.dailytelegraph.com.au
www.smh.com.au
www.maxynews.com -1
www.maxynews.com - 2

It Isn't just because it happened locally that has me rattled, It's the fact that I know, and am or was (fuck I don't know the status of our relationship now) friends with the guy who caused the young man to be killed. I was friends with Brendo through my X. And am floored by the fact him, along with 3 of his brothers were responsible for the death of another.

Only a week ago was I in a meeting with my son and his school principal regarding my son's anger management issues. The principal told the story of the young man being killed due to an argument, explaining to my son how this was caused by mis-placed anger and rage. Illustrating how if we can't control our anger it can cause us great harm.

My son has a lot of agro, as does his dad. I'm scared/frightened/sad that a friend did this, whether he meant to or not; he took a life. I think the scariest thought is that if my X had been there that night - he would've jumped in the car without a second thought, and would now be sitting in a jail cell.

My heart goes out to the families affected by this whole tragedy, to those whose son has died, to those who's son was injured, as well as to the families of those in the wrong. Especially Jess.

Brendo & Jess are expecting their first child together within the next month.

Lost. Confused. Isolated. Uncertain. Scared.

I feel incredibly insecure. Insecurity scares me. Instability scares me. I am flooded with fear. (& overwhelmed by cliche's!!)

Choose - And you can only have one. You don't get to be the girl with the most cake. . .

The man you have loved, truly deeply loved, who love's you back, but it isn't fun, the excitement is gone and you are constantly feeling melancholy, yet you are secure in the fact therelationship will last if you are willing to put in the effort. . .

OR

The guy who turns you on and excites you. The one you have crushed on for years. The one you think is hotter than hot, but you feel is just using you. No security, no love, you are just an atm and fuck buddy. But he makes you happy and He's a sex god. . .

Which path do you take. . .

I've got a 1980 Volvo
I get in, start it up and I go
It's not a vintage Cadillac
But it always gets me there and back


And it'll always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me

I've got a beat up Silvertone amp
I plug it in and it sounds like a champ
It's not a Fender Tweed Deluxe
It only cost me a couple o' bucks

But it'll always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me

I've got a girlfriend, she's so true
And no other kind of girl will do
'Cause I've known lots of girls in the past
And I knew none of their love would last

But this one will always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me

Always be good to me
Good to me
True to me
True to me



I don't need anything fancy, I don't need a man to be rich, I don't need to drive a hotted up car.
All I need are things in life that are ... Good to me do loo doo loodoo lodo

(Ive had the spazzy guitar riff stuck in my head for days!!)

Broken    Beaten    Bruised    Busted    Burned    Battered     Belted    Bent    Bewildered     

Sorry, I apologise, and ask forgiveness.

I am repentant, remorseful and penitent.

But not for the bad times, as without them the good times wouldn't have been so great.

The deeper the darkness, the brighter the light.

I am simply sorry that things had to degrade in order for things to change.

We have entered winter unprepared and fight against the force of nature. It will get bitter and frostbite may ravage our hearts, But hold tight to hope, for spring is around the corner.

Without an end we cannot start anew. It is from the endings that beginnings spring.

After all we have lived and loved I am sorry the ending has to be so harsh and cruel. This isn't the way I wanted things to be. I will always love you.

"Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Point Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars

I'm in so much pain, It is indescribable.
Physical pain, emotional torture and an unsettled heart.

I'm paralyzed by this agony from my chest down. Every small move I make feels like my flesh is tearing. I see a visual image of a butcher carving up a side of beef.

Writhing,agonizing, torturous hell.

Flesh, bone, organs and muscles all screaming. Hot pokers tear through my insides whilst sledge hammers smash against my bones and joints. I'm getting close to the point of giving in. I wish there was something I could do to just ease the pain. Unbearable, intolerable, insufferable out of control tormenting agony.

I think I'd do almost anything just for the relief of a green whistle.

I'm crying, balling like a baby. Tears streaming down my face as I hear a voice begging for the pain to stop, not realizing it's my voice that is pleading for relief.

I mustn't have been being quiet enough for I managed to gain the unwanted attention of the asshole who is my ex (& very annoyingly my flatmate) I'm laying on the lounge rocking in pain, tears streaming down my face, begging to a god I know does not exist - My ex chooses this moment to tell me exactly how and why I deserve the pain.

His diatribe, his regularly regurgitated spiel begins. This time it gets physical. All the dirty dishes get wiped off the bench and they crash and break against the floor. Glass bottles get thrown at me - How dare I spend money on alcohol. Alcohol I need to cope with having to share this roof.

I am unwanted, hated, horrid, disgusting, useless and a waste if space and oxygen. Sadly this line comes flying out of the mouth of my almost 13 yr old son. Leave. We hate you. We don't want you here. I wish you were dead. Do me a favor and kill yourself.

Still can't work out what hurts the most - my body conspiring against me - or my family hating me.

Love Buzz has always been special to me. It symbolizes a dream I once had and now a new memory someone special created for me.

Love Buzz - NIRVANA's first single - a limited vinyl release of 1000 copies by sub pop records in 1988, the b-side was Big Cheese. It was the first single in Sub Pop's Single of the Month club. One day I intend to own a copy! (then my name can be on this list)   It later appeared on Bleach and the 'Blew' ep.

Bleach - NIRVANA's first album - back in the pre Dave Grohl days. It's muddy and more metallic. The lyrics more slurred and simplistic (most written a day or less in advance - & ever evolving when they played live), it cost $606.17 and took about 5 hours to record. To me Bleach is the definition and epitome of grunge.

I love this song, even if it's not an original song (it's a cover of shocking blue's 1969 single) - and the bass line ... OMG ...music has always been what keeps my soul alive ... But this bass line just ... Inexplicable ... It does amazing things to my mind, body and soul ... My own personal audio nirvana!



It was the first song I ever wanted to learn. That low dirty tone of the bass line mixed with the plastic pop style lyrics. I wanted to start a band just to play that song - I didn't let the fact I couldn't play any instrument other than a flute rain on my parade!! lol. It never happened.

Instead I just held the dream within my head, hoping one day to see it played. Later the dream evolved. One day all facets of this dream like fantasy will hopefully come true ...


When Kurt Cobain died I don't think I had seen him actually moving - I had a million photos and had seen music video's, but had never seen him speak, move or perform live. So In late '94 when Live! Tonight! Sold Out!!. was released on video I had to have it. I remember exactly where I watched it and the people who were there. Love Buzz was the highlight.


Kurt Stage dives into the mosh and belts this biker lookin security type guy in the head with his guitar, biker dude hits back. Pounding Kurt. Cue Dave ... He comes bursting out from behind the drum kit to help pull Kurt from both the mosh and the biker dude. Dave is the perfect knight in shining armor. (side note: my knight in shining armor just happens to look like Dave Grohl!!) And of course the live versions are far better as Dave by far out drums Chad Channing - and everyone else who's ever hit the skins - with the exception of Jon Bonham of course!!!!


Recently I happened to divulge my secret Love Buzz dream/fantasy to the Rock Star whilst chatting via msn (with video and audio). After watching the live clip, he gets up grabs a bass from another room and starts tuning it.


I had to hold my hand over my mouth to cover my shock and awe. Guitars, especially bass guitars have an aphrodisiac effect upon me.


Right when I thought it could get no better he says to me - ' I think they use drop D tuning' - don't ask me what the fuck drop D tuning is (he did explain, but I can't re-explain it) I think my heart skipped a beat. He knew NIRVANA used drop D tuning... In hindsight - of course he knew this - he is the Rock Star derr! I first met him when he was in a band!



None the less as he proceeded to play the bass line, all 5 notes, over and over again... I thought my heart would stop or fall out, or even both. It was ... Fucking AWESOME!!I was in heaven.


Now if he teaches me those 5 notes... well I don't think I should publicly say what I'd do lol.


There's so many reasons that I will never forget the Rock Star - but him taking the time and the effort to play that for me... Let's just say I hope one day to be able to reciprocate the favor. It is one of the nicest, sweetest and thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me.






I love NIRVANA and I LOVE Vinyl - thus I love 'In search of Love Buzz... NIRVANA collection' - a blog about collecting NIRVANA vinyl!!


And for more cool NIRVANA rarities and full discography check out Digital NIRVANA or Live NIRVANA for all the live goodies!!

Late last year my beautiful elder foster sister introduced me to Gibran - The Prophet. I've grown to love his words.

One day I dream of being able to express myself with my own words rather than with those of others.

A man and a woman sat by a window that opened upon Spring. They sat close one unto the other. And the woman said, “I love you. You are handsome, and you are rich, and you are always well-attired.”

And the man said, “I love you. You are a beautiful thought, a thing too apart to hold in the hand, and a song in my dreaming.”

But the woman turned from him in anger, and she said, “Sir, please leave me now. I am not a thought, and I am not a thing that passes in your dreams. I am a woman. I would have you desire me, a wife, and the mother of unborn children.”

And they parted.

And the man was saying in his heart, “Behold another dream is even now turned into mist.”

And the woman was saying, “Well, what of a man who turns me into a mist and a dream?”

Body and Soul
By Kahlil Gibran
The Wanderer
(1932)

I love you for you are my dream.
A dream which evolved within the mist.
A dream that was long shadowed and hidden by the fog.
Now that the fog has parted,
I fear the love I feel for you is nothing but a dream.
Violet Goodwin 2010

Dead Memories.

Memories of Death.

Lost in my head.

My head is now lost.

Sitting in the dark.

Dark is sitting inside me.

We were never alive,
And we won't be born again.
But I'll never survive
With Dead Memories in my heart.

So when I got away,
I only kept my scars.
The Other Me Is Gone.
Now I don't know where I belong

Dead Memories - Slipknot - Warner Music 2008

I have always thought that some of the best times of my life were as a teenager - Fuck!! How wrong was I!!!

I also had a pretty great year when I was 21 and single, surrounded by friends and family, standing on my own two feet and supporting myself and my son without any help from a man. Granted I crashed and burned in a big way, but I was happy (well kinda miserable - but felt pretty good about myself)

I've just turned 31 - and guess what??? I'm pretty fucking happy.

X did nothing to destroy this birthday - he didnt get me a present, but not destroying it was a pretty good present.

ACDC absolutely rocked, experience of a fucking lifetime. Most of my close friends and family went to see them on their Black Ice tour, and because some of them missed out, got stuck in seats or trampled in the mega mosh I feel kind of bad sharing the fact that I got a last minute invite to go see them on Saturday night.

And not just any invite - a laminate style invite, the kind hundreds of thousands would've killed to possess. And a really cool crew t-shirt which somehow managed to get signed. At first I didnt believe Mcgoo when he said I should come down to Sydney for my birthday - not that I didn't believe his invite (McGoo Fuckin Rocks!!!) - but because I didn't believe ACDC would be playing on Feb 20th - the 30th anniversary of Bon Scotts death (and my 31st B'day).

I will treasure that night for a long time to come - It almost out did my previous favorite birthdays, then the following night I got a text from someone I had been longing to hear from. I guess all in all it is definitely up there in the top 3 birthdays in my life.


(yes the txt was from the rockstar)