Sometimes Screaming

I just can't fight anymore.

I'm too insecure and overflowing with fear to relax and be happy.

I hate it. I hate myself.




Somehow Silence replaced screaming as the answer.

The Rock Star has gone silent on me once again.

Perhaps she pushed too far and wore out her welcome.

Not Knowing is agonising... AGAIN


If she knew the reason she could deal.

Lost. Confused. Isolated. Uncertain. Scared.

I feel incredibly insecure. Insecurity scares me. Instability scares me. I am flooded with fear. (& overwhelmed by cliche's!!)

Choose - And you can only have one. You don't get to be the girl with the most cake. . .

The man you have loved, truly deeply loved, who love's you back, but it isn't fun, the excitement is gone and you are constantly feeling melancholy, yet you are secure in the fact therelationship will last if you are willing to put in the effort. . .

OR

The guy who turns you on and excites you. The one you have crushed on for years. The one you think is hotter than hot, but you feel is just using you. No security, no love, you are just an atm and fuck buddy. But he makes you happy and He's a sex god. . .

Which path do you take. . .

Sorry, I apologise, and ask forgiveness.

I am repentant, remorseful and penitent.

But not for the bad times, as without them the good times wouldn't have been so great.

The deeper the darkness, the brighter the light.

I am simply sorry that things had to degrade in order for things to change.

We have entered winter unprepared and fight against the force of nature. It will get bitter and frostbite may ravage our hearts, But hold tight to hope, for spring is around the corner.

Without an end we cannot start anew. It is from the endings that beginnings spring.

After all we have lived and loved I am sorry the ending has to be so harsh and cruel. This isn't the way I wanted things to be. I will always love you.

"Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Point Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars

Late last year my beautiful elder foster sister introduced me to Gibran - The Prophet. I've grown to love his words.

One day I dream of being able to express myself with my own words rather than with those of others.

A man and a woman sat by a window that opened upon Spring. They sat close one unto the other. And the woman said, “I love you. You are handsome, and you are rich, and you are always well-attired.”

And the man said, “I love you. You are a beautiful thought, a thing too apart to hold in the hand, and a song in my dreaming.”

But the woman turned from him in anger, and she said, “Sir, please leave me now. I am not a thought, and I am not a thing that passes in your dreams. I am a woman. I would have you desire me, a wife, and the mother of unborn children.”

And they parted.

And the man was saying in his heart, “Behold another dream is even now turned into mist.”

And the woman was saying, “Well, what of a man who turns me into a mist and a dream?”

Body and Soul
By Kahlil Gibran
The Wanderer
(1932)

I love you for you are my dream.
A dream which evolved within the mist.
A dream that was long shadowed and hidden by the fog.
Now that the fog has parted,
I fear the love I feel for you is nothing but a dream.
Violet Goodwin 2010

I've been reading a lot of relationship, love and dating blogs lately. I may have spent the majority of my life in a relationshio, but staying in a relationship is easy. Far to easy. It's easier to stay with something your used to, but hate, than to find the courafe to leave and walk into the unknown.

That said, a lot of these blogs simply show that the unknown is a landscape ravaged with peaks, crevices and plenty of landmines that you must traverse in order to reach the heavenly plains of romantic bliss beyond the horizon.

Some of the very very worst dates ever can be found at -> myveryworstdate.com

Other great Dating and looking for love blogs include : Plenty more fish out of water by fishy and Rapunzel's Tales from the Ttower - These two bloggers are so committed that they even met and went out on a date together, for the sake of love and their blogs. It was great fun to read their posts with great anticipation.

Another great one is Tales from an Internet Dater : Right know this blogess is in the throws of the buzzingly exciting newly in love relationship status. not with a man she met online, but rather a guy who came to help fix her boiler! Really hope it all goes well for her.

Kitty tells it like it is  : A yound single mum who is also navigating her way through building a new 'post serious relationship' but seems to be doing well, and is fun to read.

There are more but these are my favourites.

Enjoy

A Candle Never Loses its Light by Lighting Another Candle. an ancient proverb

When a Candle shares it's flame with another, Its flame is not diminished nor Its illumination dimmed. By sharing its flame with another, It creates another flame. A flame that can now also be shared and combined their ability to illuminate grows such that together they can shine light into places where darkness once hid.



I'd like to think that a Heart can be like a candle. Not loosing its love by sharing it with another, but rather gaining experience and the power that comes with such. Deepening and enriching the life of the hearts owner as well as the hearts it shares its Love with.

 At least that is my take - Once I can put that, along with a few points as to why guilt shouldn't be felt, My Reply to the message should be almost complete.

If only sleep were like a candle, or a heart. Yet again I ponder on my love for sleep and the unrequited love insomnia has for me.

It was rather odd. Completely out of the blue, without provocation, and for no reason I can come up with, I got a text from the person I've just spent almost 6 weeks pining for. The person whom I finally felt I'd gotten over.

Yesterday I was reading a post on a blog called Between the sheets, the author ponders why is it that When past loves hear that we are single again they find themselves compelled to contact us

I know that he hasn't contacted me because he's heard I'm single, my relationship status has remained constantly empty!

Apparently he was feeling bad, or guilty about the way things ended. Why couldnt he find the courage to say those words six weeks ago when I really needed to hear it. Despite being slightly peeved that he has now drawn up feelings I had worked so hard to put to bed, it's somewhat comforting that he still had my number.

I don't hold onto some stupid hope that the message was anything other than him feeling sorry for himself and wanting forgiveness to escape a guilt that must have somehow grown within his soul. I knew the person I was getting involved with, and silent treatment following one night stands was almost his reason dietre.

I still have questions, although I doubt he wants to answer them, let alone the balls to do so. Just taking a breath before I delve into actually speaking to him, or trying to tend to any of the unwoven threads. I don't even know if I want to. Why now? Why when I finally felt like I had completely moved on does this person pop up again just out of the blue?

I know Ive wanted him to walk back out of the fog, but just don't know how to feel or what to think. I did respond, but have left it open... not my usual way, but I need to think before I respond - would like to be able to rescue a friendship out of the entire kybosh!

Apparently "unfriend" was the word of the year for 2009 - @ least according to this article from dailymail.co.uk

They may say 'unfriend', however I think popular opinion would side with the slightly different term of 'de friend' to describe the action of removing a 'friend' from your friends list on social networking sites, most commonly Facebook. However after actually taking the time to actually "look" at what it says on facebook - I think the correct term would be removing a friend.

You may already know that at the beginning of the year I was in a little poke war with an ex love. I love Facebook poking! I really need to sit down and properly write about how my heart healed itself through a string of pokes, the amazing restorative properties of a very tiny icon. . . but today is not that day!

Today I'm going to tell you about poking another ex love, and 'accidentally' getting de-friended in the process! This is the ex love I wrote about in my post 'That Summer' I think I'll call him "the Star" for reasons only known to him.

He is such a great guy, great mate! Totally cracks me up whenever I'm Down, Supports me when I'm falling apart and encourages me when I feel like quitting! He really is a star!

I hadn't chatted with him for a week or two, and the poking war had begun to diminish, I figured I'd start one with him. Only for entertainment value - & for the fact that you can know someone's still alive and kicking when they don't upgrade their Facebook status. (I truly believe there is so much more to be said for the facebook poke - its truly marvelous!!)

A day or two later I was checking out Super Poke on Facebook - so much more to do than just poke! I decided to throw a sheep @ the star, but when I went looking for him in my friends list, but he wasn't there!

I was scared for a second. Had the star fallen from the sky? Did I forget to make a wish as he shot across the sky on his way into social networking oblivion?

So I searched for him on Facebook, Found him easily (he really is a one of a kind. If I ever find another person with his name . . .well I will buy a lottery ticket!!!) There he was, the sweet pic of him and wife to be, there was the box saying mutual friends. But He was no longer my friend!!!

What had I done? I know I failed to answer him via Facebook chat, he called me a whore, If I had been at my computer I wouldve responded with slut, But this missed message was weeks ago. Pre Poke!

Hit friend request, added message - " De-friended me huh? Pfftttt!!

A day later my news feed showed The Star and Violet Goodwin are now friends.

Then get the message saying I mustv'e defriended him, Pffft! again.

Then the answer, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me. . . I wouldn't call it de-friending, I'd call it drunken wife to be logging in as me.

Panic ensued, far greater panic than when I discovered I as de-friended. And a heavy dose of fear. I have lost many a male mate through marriage. I think I will still boy Mrs star to be a nice fancy set of cuttlery, I just won't mention he stabbed me, or that for one summer we swapped saliva!

Not really much point to this story, It's not funny or insightful. Perhaps in time I will edit it so it will be. I kind of lost my steam thinking of some really great, special and close male friends I have lost to marriage.


As an asside On Facebook you have friends, whilst on Twitter you are either a follower of someone or they are following you. I guess "un-follow" Might make the list for 2010!


mm the conversation with a possibly nosy wife could be another good or boring story to tell. The one that I felt sure was this mates wife questioning a discussion we had had online that later got tagged "naughty!"  I am not a man stealer and am always overjoyed when my mates find love. I just wish their loves could be secure enough to not be jealous of a female friend.

I... I do not remember your love, Ellesime. I have tried to. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory. But it is gone... a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. I look upon you and I feel nothing. I remember nothing but you turning your back on me. Now I hunger only for revenge. And... I... Will... HAVE IT!!

Source:// http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Baldur%27s_Gate_series


Just seems kind of pertinent in regards to a special something - > for G <3 u - revenge is a dish best served stone cold, and ill help you prepare it when the time comes chicka

But it does also reflect the way I am feeling - minus the revenge.  Eventually I will take the time to visit all of my draft posts regarding how a whole bunch of facebook poke's healed my heart. Sounds Insane I know . . . but I am. . .

Someone came into my world for just a moment, but they left behind a light. A light which has illuminated the darkened caverns of my psyche, soul and heart. And given me more insight into

And for this, as well as for things they once did without ever knowing it - I am eternally greatfull. Wishing them nothing but the perfect happiness they deserve. (even if they don't believe it)

I want to live like we did that summer.

This song is constantly playing on one of the lifestle chanels at the moment. Every single time I hear it I remember my amazing Summer Romance. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. Which is pretty sad. . . as it was the summer of 92-93!

He was (& still is) the most amazing guy. He treated me like a queen. Boosted my self-esteem no end - something he still does!  All the other girls wanted to be with him - he was soooooo hot! He was almost my ticket to cool lol.

I could write a million things about him, but never really get to the core of why he is such a special person, but I think the reason he was the best boyfriend I ever had is because he never hurt me. We never broke up, he never cheated on me or anything like that. He was a total flirt (& will always be) yet not in a way that ever made me jealous. It was just one of those perfect, innocent summer romances - one that lasted until the leaves started to loose their color and simply fell from the trees.

Actually he did hurt me once. He stabbed me in the back! He was playing with a fork and bent the tines to odd angles, once he grew bored of it he just left it outside lying on the ground near where we were sitting having a smoke.

I got a letter from my mum and went back outside to have a smoke whilst I read it. I sat on the ground, then laid down. Right on the upward facing tines of the fork!! I cried, he held me close to his chest and kissed my face, wiping away my tears. He really did treat me like absolute royalty.

Even now - 17years later I still love him. I love him dearly. But in the 17 years the love has evolved, I love him like a brother - yeah it seems incestuous, but I can't  explain it any better than that. He is now a good mate, one that I know I could call on day or night if ever I needed him, I hope he knows the same goes for him.

He's getting married next year, and I'm going to definitely buy him and his wife a set of fancy cutlery, all in the hopes that she'll leave one with bent tines in the bed - & pay the cheeky bastard back. I just hope that un-like other male friends, that marriage won't mean an end to our friendship.

One day I will write our story - properly. I've written it before, It's a beautiful story despite some of the events being filled with extreme tragedy. Perhaps its the tradgedy that makes it so beautiful. two kids whose lives look so bad that there appears to be nowhere to go - but in each other they find the answers. It was all very romantic, No wonder no one has ever been able to measure up. Not even the one where  I had a crush on someone for a million years and finally got to taste the honey!


Josh Pyke
Summer
If I could bottle up the sea breeze I would take it over to your house
And pour it loose through your garden
So the hinges on your windows would rust and colour
Like the boats pulled up on the sand for the summer
And your sweet clean clothes would go stiff on the line
And there’d be sand in your pockets and nothing on your mind

But every year it gets a little bit harder
To get back to the feeling of when we were fifteen
And we could jump in the river upstream
And let the current carry us to the beginning where
The river met the sea again
And all our days were a sun-drenched haze
While the salt spray crusted on the window panes

We should be living like we lived that summer
I wanna live like we live in the summer

And I’ll remember that summer as the right one
The storms made the pavement steamlike a kettle
And our first goodbye always seemed like hours
In the car park in between my house and yours
And if the summer holds a song we might sing forever
Then the winter holds a bite we’d never felt before

But time is like the ocean
You can only hold a little in your hands
So swim before we’re broken
Before our bones become
Black coral on the sand

It has been a very long 10 days. . . It has at times been agonizing.

But finally, I got that magic poke.

The poke I had been longing for,  - no matter how pathetic that is,
I'm almost proud to admit I'm pathetic, because It is the truth.

I even got a little more than a fb poke.

I got a sweet, short & succinct fb msg reply.

And just that alone, well it made my heart beat faster, it put the bright sunbeam quality back into the smile I had lost.

No matter how tiny, no matter how pathetic, I will always choose hope over doubt.

Even if my funny (well I thought it was funny) txt msg didn't warrant a reply.

I will cling to my hope and hold tight my dreams . . .  for  "the best laid plans of  mice and men often go awry"




I know the quote is about everything going wrong - this is exactly why I cling to hopes and dreams - the theme of Steinbeck's story, For everything has gone awry, but I still may just come out of it alive, and be all the better for it.

 For It is in our dreams that we find comfort when there is no other comfort to be found
Text quoted is from "Of Mice & Men" by John Steinbeck, which was originally written in a poem called "To a Mouse" by Robert Burns All other text plus the image are all mine lol

Sex and the City is now an internationally renowned TV-series and movie, set in the New York Dating scene, it circles around journalist Carrie Bradshaw and her eclectic clan of gal pals, whose adventures she writes about in her newspaper column. And although fashion has woven its way through both the warp and the weft Sex and the City,  It's true fabric is sex and relationships.

It began with New York journalist  Candace Bushnell. Bushnell wrote a regular column for the new york city observer, that revolved around the lives, relationships and dating experiences of Bushnell and her circle of friends. It was these columns which led to the original book - Sex in the City, an Anthology of her column. In turn the book led to the TV series, In which the central character is fashioned after Bushnell herself - Carrie Bradshaw is a writer, columnist, fashionista, and girl in the know when it comes to all things sexy in the city. Accompanied by her group of close friends, they collectively experience and discuss a plethora of dating & relationship issues.

I can't say that I'm a big fan (pun well and truly intended) of Sex in the City, yet the series & the pearls of wisdom it contains within are still of interest to me. Especially when on the very odd occassion, I have found myself somewhat single. However now that I am  >3 (greater than 30! lol) rather than <3  [is there less love after 30? - hmm, I plan to find out] I find myself completely under prepared for travelling upon the vast sea of dating & relationships. I find myself filled with so many questions and queries as to how it all works. Which if I was thin & fashionable & living in new york, sex in the city would be my guidebook. But I'm fat, punk & living in a coastal country town on Australia's vast coast.

I also have a teenage son and still live with his father who  -if you have done the math - is my ex. An ex whom I had been with from age 16 thru to 30 (not counting a 6 month "break" we had back in 2000/01), thus making me a total n00b when it comes to dating & even relationships. Yes 14+ years of being in a relationship should logically award me some kind of status above n00b, but it isn't being in a relationship I'm having trouble with, it's the getting into a relationship part I can't quite wrap my head around.

I know what I want (I think!), I know who I am, what I like, what my needs are and have got my whole side of things under control. What I do not know is how do men work? What makes them tick? Will they lie & say I love you just to get laid? (which when I asked my best male confidante - who's also an x,  - he said F*^* Yeah!!! immediately) , What are the rules to meeting with and dating people you have met online? and do guys have any respect or feelings for a booty call? and how is a booty call different to a friend with benefits? I know my answers to these questions, but It's the male perspective I'm interested in.

I want a masculine version of sex in the city. One where men openly & frankly discuss their feelings, motivations, actions and excursions into the dating world. I need a Jack Bradshaw, along with his mates, Charles, Sam & Andy (sorry - that's the closest I could get to Miranda for a guy, if u have better please do suggest onet). I want to know about what they think of and discuss pre & post date. Do they find themselves more drawn into a relationship with a woman if they don't have sex after a first date.

Does such a Jack even exist? A man willing to share with us women the male perspective on all things love, sex and relationships?


Well - I think such a Jack does exist.

Funnily enough his name is Jack. He writes about love, sex and relationships, in this decades form of a newspaper column - his blog!I think Jack from Brooklyn is the new Candace Bushnell.

I am so glad to be able to introduce you to F*cking in Brooklyn, -  Love as a Life or Death Experience!!

It's Sex in the City, except that it's written by a man, and his adventures are based in Brooklyn, rather than Manhattan. It's exactly what the Doctor ordered. It is witty and well written, it is cheeky & charming, Forth right and down to earth. If only Brooklyn wasn't so far from Australia!:P

I'm hoping eventually Jack's blog will lead to his own book and TV series, so that all us crazy women can start to get an understanding of just how guys tick!!!

So what are you still doing here - go, . . get lost, . .  go & get F*cking in Brooklyn. Trust me girls, it's so much fun!!!


P.S I also need to get some form of conversion calculator to work out all the things that have changed since I was last free and single. I embarrassingly had to ask my younger 18yr old friend what she was talking about when she said STI's, even sexually transmitted diseases have changed since my first time round. But I'm working on it!

I'm filled with turmoil, with you all tangled up in my headwires. I can't quite think straight

I remembered you for all those years,
It's going to take a while to release the tears
all memories should fade in time
I hope to foget when u were mine.

Was it something you did deliberately? or just a cruel twist caused by fate?



Heartbreak is pathetic. Unrequited love even more so.
Only one way to heal - & that is to walk through it.
These posts aren't here to make sense to all - just a way for me to release what I need to let go of.
A guy that I always thought looked like Dave Grohl, a guy that kissed me when this song played - a guy I couldve continued to love had I not fucked it all up.

I now realise why i stayed stuck in my liquid handcuffs without fighting to free myself for so very long - because reality hurts too much to cope with.

BUT - @ the end of the day, despite the pain. I learned a lot - mostly positive, but one definate negative - I'm stuck here - no longer hand cuffed, but still imprisoned by misery.

Pain fades, but Hurt is forever.

It is easy to forgive, much harder to forget, no matter how many years have passed, no matter how much the memory may fade as it sits in the "stacks" , It still exists and always will. But your perspective changes with time.

Such is the famous cliche ". . .in time, this to shall pass"

Time is the greatest healer of all.

I had healed, but I had not forgotten. Yet the memory had become so faded and frail, to the point where I overlooked it entirely and jumped in wth both feet, my eyes wide shut, just to het hurt again, only this time much worse.