Sometimes Screaming

I wanted to tell you that you should know you can trust me. You can trust me with anything, nothing you could say would make me turn my back on you. No secret, no matter how bad it is would change the way I feel for you. My friendship is something you would never have to worry about losing.

That is until I found out about the secret you wouldn't share with me.

I do not know if it is the secret that disgusts me, the thing that you did that irks me or is it that you kept it secret. Why could you share it with others but not with me?


I have thick skin and a caring compassionate heart. I'm not normally judgemental and often unusually understanding. I can take the worst of things and find a way to find a positive within a mess.

Why would you keep from me something that so many other people all know about? The small amount of disgust I feel for what you did is magnified greatly by both your secrecy and inability to discuss it or even tell me about it. This isn't something insignificant, it's fucking monumental.

Times like these make me ponder things of a philosophical nature. So many, many questions. Why do you treat one person differently to another? Why is it that one person deserves respect when another doesn't, why is it that you would tell a huge number of others but not me?

Although the whole issue is someone else I keep thinking why me? and why not me? why can't you trust me enough to tell me? why have you tried to hide it from me? Very selfish, egocentric thoughts when the situation at the center of things doesn't involve me... yet.

I just sit back and wonder if you'll have the courage to come forth and tell me, with or without an explanation before I fully complete the puzzle on my own. I also wonder once I have placed all the pieces together if I will have the courage to confront you... or at least say those four words...

I know your secret
then ask - why couldn't you tell me?
why couldn't you trust me?

I just can't fight anymore.

I'm too insecure and overflowing with fear to relax and be happy.

I hate it. I hate myself.




Somehow Silence replaced screaming as the answer.

I should be happy today. I should be celebrating. I have made it through an entire year. It has been a year since I quit methadone.

I've made it through the sickness and fought the agonising physical pain that led me to the evil stuff in the first place.

Instead of celebrating I'm wishing I could run away.

I'm 31 for shits sake - but I'm wishing I could run away!

Im not suicidal, nor am I depressed, but I still don't want to face another day trapped in my life.

I used to say - "You always have a choice - even when it seems you don't" but the 'choice' was to kill yourself. I got over my teenage angst and suicidal tendencies, but it doesn't make choices easier.

Do I stay here miserable and hated or do I run away?

Only problem is that I don't know where to run to...

I AM TORN

The Rock Star has gone silent on me once again.

Perhaps she pushed too far and wore out her welcome.

Not Knowing is agonising... AGAIN


If she knew the reason she could deal.

Broken    Beaten    Bruised    Busted    Burned    Battered     Belted    Bent    Bewildered     

Sorry, I apologise, and ask forgiveness.

I am repentant, remorseful and penitent.

But not for the bad times, as without them the good times wouldn't have been so great.

The deeper the darkness, the brighter the light.

I am simply sorry that things had to degrade in order for things to change.

We have entered winter unprepared and fight against the force of nature. It will get bitter and frostbite may ravage our hearts, But hold tight to hope, for spring is around the corner.

Without an end we cannot start anew. It is from the endings that beginnings spring.

After all we have lived and loved I am sorry the ending has to be so harsh and cruel. This isn't the way I wanted things to be. I will always love you.

I'm in so much pain, It is indescribable.
Physical pain, emotional torture and an unsettled heart.

I'm paralyzed by this agony from my chest down. Every small move I make feels like my flesh is tearing. I see a visual image of a butcher carving up a side of beef.

Writhing,agonizing, torturous hell.

Flesh, bone, organs and muscles all screaming. Hot pokers tear through my insides whilst sledge hammers smash against my bones and joints. I'm getting close to the point of giving in. I wish there was something I could do to just ease the pain. Unbearable, intolerable, insufferable out of control tormenting agony.

I think I'd do almost anything just for the relief of a green whistle.

I'm crying, balling like a baby. Tears streaming down my face as I hear a voice begging for the pain to stop, not realizing it's my voice that is pleading for relief.

I mustn't have been being quiet enough for I managed to gain the unwanted attention of the asshole who is my ex (& very annoyingly my flatmate) I'm laying on the lounge rocking in pain, tears streaming down my face, begging to a god I know does not exist - My ex chooses this moment to tell me exactly how and why I deserve the pain.

His diatribe, his regularly regurgitated spiel begins. This time it gets physical. All the dirty dishes get wiped off the bench and they crash and break against the floor. Glass bottles get thrown at me - How dare I spend money on alcohol. Alcohol I need to cope with having to share this roof.

I am unwanted, hated, horrid, disgusting, useless and a waste if space and oxygen. Sadly this line comes flying out of the mouth of my almost 13 yr old son. Leave. We hate you. We don't want you here. I wish you were dead. Do me a favor and kill yourself.

Still can't work out what hurts the most - my body conspiring against me - or my family hating me.

Dead Memories.

Memories of Death.

Lost in my head.

My head is now lost.

Sitting in the dark.

Dark is sitting inside me.

We were never alive,
And we won't be born again.
But I'll never survive
With Dead Memories in my heart.

So when I got away,
I only kept my scars.
The Other Me Is Gone.
Now I don't know where I belong

Dead Memories - Slipknot - Warner Music 2008

I'm filled with turmoil, with you all tangled up in my headwires. I can't quite think straight

I remembered you for all those years,
It's going to take a while to release the tears
all memories should fade in time
I hope to foget when u were mine.

Was it something you did deliberately? or just a cruel twist caused by fate?



Heartbreak is pathetic. Unrequited love even more so.
Only one way to heal - & that is to walk through it.
These posts aren't here to make sense to all - just a way for me to release what I need to let go of.
A guy that I always thought looked like Dave Grohl, a guy that kissed me when this song played - a guy I couldve continued to love had I not fucked it all up.

I now realise why i stayed stuck in my liquid handcuffs without fighting to free myself for so very long - because reality hurts too much to cope with.

BUT - @ the end of the day, despite the pain. I learned a lot - mostly positive, but one definate negative - I'm stuck here - no longer hand cuffed, but still imprisoned by misery.