Sometimes Screaming

I wanted to tell you that you should know you can trust me. You can trust me with anything, nothing you could say would make me turn my back on you. No secret, no matter how bad it is would change the way I feel for you. My friendship is something you would never have to worry about losing.

That is until I found out about the secret you wouldn't share with me.

I do not know if it is the secret that disgusts me, the thing that you did that irks me or is it that you kept it secret. Why could you share it with others but not with me?


I have thick skin and a caring compassionate heart. I'm not normally judgemental and often unusually understanding. I can take the worst of things and find a way to find a positive within a mess.

Why would you keep from me something that so many other people all know about? The small amount of disgust I feel for what you did is magnified greatly by both your secrecy and inability to discuss it or even tell me about it. This isn't something insignificant, it's fucking monumental.

Times like these make me ponder things of a philosophical nature. So many, many questions. Why do you treat one person differently to another? Why is it that one person deserves respect when another doesn't, why is it that you would tell a huge number of others but not me?

Although the whole issue is someone else I keep thinking why me? and why not me? why can't you trust me enough to tell me? why have you tried to hide it from me? Very selfish, egocentric thoughts when the situation at the center of things doesn't involve me... yet.

I just sit back and wonder if you'll have the courage to come forth and tell me, with or without an explanation before I fully complete the puzzle on my own. I also wonder once I have placed all the pieces together if I will have the courage to confront you... or at least say those four words...

I know your secret
then ask - why couldn't you tell me?
why couldn't you trust me?

Someone Died.

I have known people who have died. I have known people who have killed themselves, and many more who have tried. I once even died myself.

I have a close friend who has a very close family member who has taken someone's life. Upon reflection, My amazing cousin most likely has taken lives as well, considering he's a soldier who has had a number of front line assignments or deployments. (Although I would never ever ask him about it.)

I killed a magpie a few months ago when I hit it with my car. I was rather upset.

On February 26th (which happened to be the 23rd anniversary of my brother Justin's death) A huge fight broke out in Port Macquarie. I'm not going to try and give the details as there are far too many versions floating about.

Essentially two groups of guys clashed, one of the guys was killed as he stumbled out onto the road into the path of an oncoming car as a result of the fight. A second guy is, as far as I know still in hospital recovering from the beating.

Here are two articles I found regarding it:
www.dailytelegraph.com.au
www.smh.com.au
www.maxynews.com -1
www.maxynews.com - 2

It Isn't just because it happened locally that has me rattled, It's the fact that I know, and am or was (fuck I don't know the status of our relationship now) friends with the guy who caused the young man to be killed. I was friends with Brendo through my X. And am floored by the fact him, along with 3 of his brothers were responsible for the death of another.

Only a week ago was I in a meeting with my son and his school principal regarding my son's anger management issues. The principal told the story of the young man being killed due to an argument, explaining to my son how this was caused by mis-placed anger and rage. Illustrating how if we can't control our anger it can cause us great harm.

My son has a lot of agro, as does his dad. I'm scared/frightened/sad that a friend did this, whether he meant to or not; he took a life. I think the scariest thought is that if my X had been there that night - he would've jumped in the car without a second thought, and would now be sitting in a jail cell.

My heart goes out to the families affected by this whole tragedy, to those whose son has died, to those who's son was injured, as well as to the families of those in the wrong. Especially Jess.

Brendo & Jess are expecting their first child together within the next month.

Dead Memories.

Memories of Death.

Lost in my head.

My head is now lost.

Sitting in the dark.

Dark is sitting inside me.

We were never alive,
And we won't be born again.
But I'll never survive
With Dead Memories in my heart.

So when I got away,
I only kept my scars.
The Other Me Is Gone.
Now I don't know where I belong

Dead Memories - Slipknot - Warner Music 2008

I'm filled with turmoil, with you all tangled up in my headwires. I can't quite think straight

I remembered you for all those years,
It's going to take a while to release the tears
all memories should fade in time
I hope to foget when u were mine.

Was it something you did deliberately? or just a cruel twist caused by fate?



Heartbreak is pathetic. Unrequited love even more so.
Only one way to heal - & that is to walk through it.
These posts aren't here to make sense to all - just a way for me to release what I need to let go of.
A guy that I always thought looked like Dave Grohl, a guy that kissed me when this song played - a guy I couldve continued to love had I not fucked it all up.

I now realise why i stayed stuck in my liquid handcuffs without fighting to free myself for so very long - because reality hurts too much to cope with.

BUT - @ the end of the day, despite the pain. I learned a lot - mostly positive, but one definate negative - I'm stuck here - no longer hand cuffed, but still imprisoned by misery.