I wanted to tell you that you should know you can trust me. You can trust me with anything, nothing you could say would make me turn my back on you. No secret, no matter how bad it is would change the way I feel for you. My friendship is something you would never have to worry about losing.

That is until I found out about the secret you wouldn't share with me.

I do not know if it is the secret that disgusts me, the thing that you did that irks me or is it that you kept it secret. Why could you share it with others but not with me?


I have thick skin and a caring compassionate heart. I'm not normally judgemental and often unusually understanding. I can take the worst of things and find a way to find a positive within a mess.

Why would you keep from me something that so many other people all know about? The small amount of disgust I feel for what you did is magnified greatly by both your secrecy and inability to discuss it or even tell me about it. This isn't something insignificant, it's fucking monumental.

Times like these make me ponder things of a philosophical nature. So many, many questions. Why do you treat one person differently to another? Why is it that one person deserves respect when another doesn't, why is it that you would tell a huge number of others but not me?

Although the whole issue is someone else I keep thinking why me? and why not me? why can't you trust me enough to tell me? why have you tried to hide it from me? Very selfish, egocentric thoughts when the situation at the center of things doesn't involve me... yet.

I just sit back and wonder if you'll have the courage to come forth and tell me, with or without an explanation before I fully complete the puzzle on my own. I also wonder once I have placed all the pieces together if I will have the courage to confront you... or at least say those four words...

I know your secret
then ask - why couldn't you tell me?
why couldn't you trust me?

Silence Sucks - Just ask Martin Luther King Jnr...

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Or Bob Dylan 

Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Silence is the true friend that never betrays.

Maybe now - with the wisdom of confucius I can start to understand your silence.

My Bucket List - V1.0

I figure everyone should have a 'Bucket List' - A list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket!


So I have resolved to start my own. I think 100 Items in the list is fair - I will have to come back and edit it to add some, and tick off those I have done.

But for now I present - Version 1.0 of My Bucket List

1. Drink real Absinthe - the green spirit that was long banned
2. Eat something that has truffles in it
3. Have Jello (jelly for us in oz) shots
4, Meet Dave Grohl
5, Learn to play Love buzz on a bass
6. Leave some graffiti under the bridge
7. Go to the Atlantis Resort
8. Have breakfast and read the morning paper in central park
9. Ride Lethal Weapon @ Movie World
10.Get My MC (Multi Combination) licence - to legally drive a B-Double
11. Have sex in a body of water
12. Watch all of the Star Wars movies
13. Watch the entirety of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy (I always fall asleep after they leave the shire)
14. Live in a city other than Sydney
15. Go Skinny dipping
16. Finish a Quilt so it can become a family heirloom
17. Finish the quilts my nan didn't get to
18. Be a size 16 again (well I can hope)
19. Get 'Cause the one's that hurt can give so much, you gave me such' tattooed on me
20. Do @ least one more demolition Derby

I think I will leave it @ 20 for now... The one thing I'd like to re-experience before I die is being pregnant and giving birth - crazy huh? lol  Maybe I only wish that because I know it can't happen!

til version 1.2 - ciao

I love meme's - so this is probably the first of many to come...

I took this meme from Decoy Betty - & I know it needs to be reformated - but need to just store it here in case I haven't saved it before I reformat my laptop

If I were a month: February - always changing, it's the only month that changes

If I were a day of the week: I'd be a lazy Saturday afternoon - as on Sunday you have to get ready for monday.
If I were a time of day: I'd be 10:43pm - the most common time of day people have sex - or 3 am...
the witching hour - it's 3 am in the morning...eminem
If I were a planet: I'd be venus - mysterious and uncharted, but with a temperature so high it prohibits life.

If I were a sea animal:I'd be a great white shark
If I were a direction: I'd be north - so you could work out where you were when compared to me
If I were a piece of furniture: I'd be a comfy beat up sofa - may not look great but f*ckin comfy.

If I were a liquid: I'd be coke - vanilla coke

If I were an animal: I'd be a chamealeon - ever changing to try to fit into my surroundsif
If I were a gemstone, I’d be amethyst (kinda obvious - violet/pisces/febuary) - or a bright deep pink or black saphire

If I were a tree:I'd be a willow

If I were a tool: I'd be a swiss army knife - useful for all kinds of little things, but not useful for anything major.
If I were a flower: I'd be a vivid pink lily - or the ones from Meg's boquet (?)


If I were a kind of weather: I'd be the raging thunder storm after a hot summers day - the southerly that roars through
the gong and shire to chase the heat away


If I were a musical instrument: I'd be a bass guitar (but would love to be Dave grohl's set of drums!)

If I were a color: I'd be - well I am violet - but if I were a color... I could never stay the same - so a deep
holographic purple that changes colors depending on how you look at it - like on worked v8's.


If I were an emotion: I'd be that one funny moment that makes you smile whilst in the depths of great despair
- or the comfort in being sad

If I were a fruit: I'd be a blueberry - just cause they're cool

If I were a sound: I'd be the reverberation of Dave Grohl hitting a drum - or the bass line to love buzz
If I were an element, I’d be fire - despite my love of water - Fire can throw light into deep darkness, illumination and enlightenment, comfort and warmth yet also burn, damaging and destroying. Good and bad all converged into one..
If I were a car: I’d be a pony named Elanore
If I were a food: I'd be a steak sandwich form the grand Hyatt in Melbourne.
If I were a place, I’d be the safe comfort of my own bedroom - one for only me - my posters on the wall, my mattress on the floor.
If I were a material: I’d be well worn cotton jersey or pale soft faded denim
If I were a taste: I'd be a tequila sunrise, sweet yet sharp
If I were a scent: my favorite incense - nag champra
If I were an object: I'd be a goose down body pillow.
If I were a body part: I'd be a pregnant belly or a tattooed piece of skin
If I were a facial expression: I'd be the look of a light bulb switching on in someone's mind.
If I were a song: I'd be Violet - 'when I get what I want - then I never want it again' 'might last a day... might last forever'(or rape me - you're shit aint gunna bring me down)
If I were a pair of shoes: I'd be my rare cherry red & black marbled Docs - found in my size ( a stupidly huge 10) for $8 in a salvo's store

Somedays my problems weigh me down. They spin my mind like a gravitron, pinning me against the wall, unable to move.

Today is one of those days. My mind is over whelmed by the various disasters that are playing out on the stage that is my life.

Then whilst I'm amidst my own mess of self pity and loathing along comes Ewan McGregor and Charlie Borman & their documentary "The Missing Face". Highlighting the devastation and despair caused by the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the worst affected area on the planet - Africa.

It really put my problems in perspective. My 13 yr old may hate me, but he has two parents to care for him, He isn't responsible for 5 younger siblings, he is getting an education and he is healthy. If he had HIV he could, at the very least, receive medical care.

Things that I might be facing are microscopic compared to what these amazing kids are living with and facing on a daily basis- Check out the missing face website & get involved.

It is our world to live in. It is our world to care for.

I should be happy today. I should be celebrating. I have made it through an entire year. It has been a year since I quit methadone.

I've made it through the sickness and fought the agonising physical pain that led me to the evil stuff in the first place.

Instead of celebrating I'm wishing I could run away.

I'm 31 for shits sake - but I'm wishing I could run away!

Im not suicidal, nor am I depressed, but I still don't want to face another day trapped in my life.

I used to say - "You always have a choice - even when it seems you don't" but the 'choice' was to kill yourself. I got over my teenage angst and suicidal tendencies, but it doesn't make choices easier.

Do I stay here miserable and hated or do I run away?

Only problem is that I don't know where to run to...

I AM TORN

The Rock Star has gone silent on me once again.

Perhaps she pushed too far and wore out her welcome.

Not Knowing is agonising... AGAIN


If she knew the reason she could deal.

Someone Died.

I have known people who have died. I have known people who have killed themselves, and many more who have tried. I once even died myself.

I have a close friend who has a very close family member who has taken someone's life. Upon reflection, My amazing cousin most likely has taken lives as well, considering he's a soldier who has had a number of front line assignments or deployments. (Although I would never ever ask him about it.)

I killed a magpie a few months ago when I hit it with my car. I was rather upset.

On February 26th (which happened to be the 23rd anniversary of my brother Justin's death) A huge fight broke out in Port Macquarie. I'm not going to try and give the details as there are far too many versions floating about.

Essentially two groups of guys clashed, one of the guys was killed as he stumbled out onto the road into the path of an oncoming car as a result of the fight. A second guy is, as far as I know still in hospital recovering from the beating.

Here are two articles I found regarding it:
www.dailytelegraph.com.au
www.smh.com.au
www.maxynews.com -1
www.maxynews.com - 2

It Isn't just because it happened locally that has me rattled, It's the fact that I know, and am or was (fuck I don't know the status of our relationship now) friends with the guy who caused the young man to be killed. I was friends with Brendo through my X. And am floored by the fact him, along with 3 of his brothers were responsible for the death of another.

Only a week ago was I in a meeting with my son and his school principal regarding my son's anger management issues. The principal told the story of the young man being killed due to an argument, explaining to my son how this was caused by mis-placed anger and rage. Illustrating how if we can't control our anger it can cause us great harm.

My son has a lot of agro, as does his dad. I'm scared/frightened/sad that a friend did this, whether he meant to or not; he took a life. I think the scariest thought is that if my X had been there that night - he would've jumped in the car without a second thought, and would now be sitting in a jail cell.

My heart goes out to the families affected by this whole tragedy, to those whose son has died, to those who's son was injured, as well as to the families of those in the wrong. Especially Jess.

Brendo & Jess are expecting their first child together within the next month.

I've got a 1980 Volvo
I get in, start it up and I go
It's not a vintage Cadillac
But it always gets me there and back


And it'll always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me

I've got a beat up Silvertone amp
I plug it in and it sounds like a champ
It's not a Fender Tweed Deluxe
It only cost me a couple o' bucks

But it'll always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me

I've got a girlfriend, she's so true
And no other kind of girl will do
'Cause I've known lots of girls in the past
And I knew none of their love would last

But this one will always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me

Always be good to me
Good to me
True to me
True to me



I don't need anything fancy, I don't need a man to be rich, I don't need to drive a hotted up car.
All I need are things in life that are ... Good to me do loo doo loodoo lodo

(Ive had the spazzy guitar riff stuck in my head for days!!)

Sorry, I apologise, and ask forgiveness.

I am repentant, remorseful and penitent.

But not for the bad times, as without them the good times wouldn't have been so great.

The deeper the darkness, the brighter the light.

I am simply sorry that things had to degrade in order for things to change.

We have entered winter unprepared and fight against the force of nature. It will get bitter and frostbite may ravage our hearts, But hold tight to hope, for spring is around the corner.

Without an end we cannot start anew. It is from the endings that beginnings spring.

After all we have lived and loved I am sorry the ending has to be so harsh and cruel. This isn't the way I wanted things to be. I will always love you.

I'm in so much pain, It is indescribable.
Physical pain, emotional torture and an unsettled heart.

I'm paralyzed by this agony from my chest down. Every small move I make feels like my flesh is tearing. I see a visual image of a butcher carving up a side of beef.

Writhing,agonizing, torturous hell.

Flesh, bone, organs and muscles all screaming. Hot pokers tear through my insides whilst sledge hammers smash against my bones and joints. I'm getting close to the point of giving in. I wish there was something I could do to just ease the pain. Unbearable, intolerable, insufferable out of control tormenting agony.

I think I'd do almost anything just for the relief of a green whistle.

I'm crying, balling like a baby. Tears streaming down my face as I hear a voice begging for the pain to stop, not realizing it's my voice that is pleading for relief.

I mustn't have been being quiet enough for I managed to gain the unwanted attention of the asshole who is my ex (& very annoyingly my flatmate) I'm laying on the lounge rocking in pain, tears streaming down my face, begging to a god I know does not exist - My ex chooses this moment to tell me exactly how and why I deserve the pain.

His diatribe, his regularly regurgitated spiel begins. This time it gets physical. All the dirty dishes get wiped off the bench and they crash and break against the floor. Glass bottles get thrown at me - How dare I spend money on alcohol. Alcohol I need to cope with having to share this roof.

I am unwanted, hated, horrid, disgusting, useless and a waste if space and oxygen. Sadly this line comes flying out of the mouth of my almost 13 yr old son. Leave. We hate you. We don't want you here. I wish you were dead. Do me a favor and kill yourself.

Still can't work out what hurts the most - my body conspiring against me - or my family hating me.

Late last year my beautiful elder foster sister introduced me to Gibran - The Prophet. I've grown to love his words.

One day I dream of being able to express myself with my own words rather than with those of others.

A man and a woman sat by a window that opened upon Spring. They sat close one unto the other. And the woman said, “I love you. You are handsome, and you are rich, and you are always well-attired.”

And the man said, “I love you. You are a beautiful thought, a thing too apart to hold in the hand, and a song in my dreaming.”

But the woman turned from him in anger, and she said, “Sir, please leave me now. I am not a thought, and I am not a thing that passes in your dreams. I am a woman. I would have you desire me, a wife, and the mother of unborn children.”

And they parted.

And the man was saying in his heart, “Behold another dream is even now turned into mist.”

And the woman was saying, “Well, what of a man who turns me into a mist and a dream?”

Body and Soul
By Kahlil Gibran
The Wanderer
(1932)

I love you for you are my dream.
A dream which evolved within the mist.
A dream that was long shadowed and hidden by the fog.
Now that the fog has parted,
I fear the love I feel for you is nothing but a dream.
Violet Goodwin 2010

I've been reading a lot of relationship, love and dating blogs lately. I may have spent the majority of my life in a relationshio, but staying in a relationship is easy. Far to easy. It's easier to stay with something your used to, but hate, than to find the courafe to leave and walk into the unknown.

That said, a lot of these blogs simply show that the unknown is a landscape ravaged with peaks, crevices and plenty of landmines that you must traverse in order to reach the heavenly plains of romantic bliss beyond the horizon.

Some of the very very worst dates ever can be found at -> myveryworstdate.com

Other great Dating and looking for love blogs include : Plenty more fish out of water by fishy and Rapunzel's Tales from the Ttower - These two bloggers are so committed that they even met and went out on a date together, for the sake of love and their blogs. It was great fun to read their posts with great anticipation.

Another great one is Tales from an Internet Dater : Right know this blogess is in the throws of the buzzingly exciting newly in love relationship status. not with a man she met online, but rather a guy who came to help fix her boiler! Really hope it all goes well for her.

Kitty tells it like it is  : A yound single mum who is also navigating her way through building a new 'post serious relationship' but seems to be doing well, and is fun to read.

There are more but these are my favourites.

Enjoy

Another Day passes, Another year ends, Tomorrow is my birthday. Another year of life over, Another ready to begin.

My year of being 30 brought me much pleasure and even more pain. But because I lived through it I will never be the same.

I'm feeling all nostalgic, and a little sorry for myself. The last time I had a great birthday was in 1994 when I turned 15. It is hard for me to choose my favorite birthday, but 14 and 15 are pretty much neck and neck. They were just amazing!!

Every birthday since has been tinged with sadness, and often loaded up with pain. 16 was possibly the worst, but that was the last before my ex was to blame.

I always felt that Feb 20th was just a special date, it wasn't until my 14th that I felt like it was fate. Kurt Cobain shared my Birth Date, My Chinese Zodiac too. It was on my 14th that I got to celebrate this fact.

I was living in a teenage refuge, glad to have escaped my fathers roof and wrath. I didn't think It would be a very happy day. In the refuge we could only receive phone calls from family members, and was shocked when the worker came to get me to tell me my cousin was on the phone.

My cousin? My eldest cousin was about 9 at the time, and knew there was no way they would be calling me, and certainly not at the place I was staying. Somewhere between the loungeroom and the office where the phone was, the penny started to drop.

Could it possibly not be my cousin, but maybe Noddy's cousin - aka The Star. He had left town just prior to Christmas, taking my heart with him. I had two or three boyfriends in the mean time, and so many more since. But the Star was my first and truest love. He was my 14th Birthday present. And no other present has ever quite measured up - not even when I got engaged exactly ten years later.

15 was special for other reasons, for it was the one celebrated the best. Surrounded by so many friends, a surprise party which I managed to ruin the surprise of!!! It still meant the world to me that my beautiful foster mother organised it for me when I though I was going to be spending the weekend alone. I was showered with gifts, not at great expense, but presents that were great and true. Many were hand made and beautiful, I still have most of them and treasure them deeply.

The best one was when little Ben literally gave me the shirt off of his back. A long sleeved black T-shirt, Led Zepplin's Swan Song. The boy upon whom I had the hugest of crushes took of his shirt and showed my his incredibly hot skeletal frame, and spent the rest of the day being my eye candy!! I will never forget that day. In the 16 years that have passed that shirt simply gets thinner and thinner, but I will never ever get rid of it.

15 was the last time I got to share my birthday with Kurt Cobain. Every year since then his shadow has remained.

16 was harsh and cruel, then I met Mr.E and he ruined all the rest. Just wonder what he has in store for me to rain on my parade!

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York

"Take me out, Take me under, Lack of sleep, Lack of Slumber, Without Dreams, All sounds are Thunder, What is Peace, I'll always Wonder." Violet Goodwin

It was rather odd. Completely out of the blue, without provocation, and for no reason I can come up with, I got a text from the person I've just spent almost 6 weeks pining for. The person whom I finally felt I'd gotten over.

Yesterday I was reading a post on a blog called Between the sheets, the author ponders why is it that When past loves hear that we are single again they find themselves compelled to contact us

I know that he hasn't contacted me because he's heard I'm single, my relationship status has remained constantly empty!

Apparently he was feeling bad, or guilty about the way things ended. Why couldnt he find the courage to say those words six weeks ago when I really needed to hear it. Despite being slightly peeved that he has now drawn up feelings I had worked so hard to put to bed, it's somewhat comforting that he still had my number.

I don't hold onto some stupid hope that the message was anything other than him feeling sorry for himself and wanting forgiveness to escape a guilt that must have somehow grown within his soul. I knew the person I was getting involved with, and silent treatment following one night stands was almost his reason dietre.

I still have questions, although I doubt he wants to answer them, let alone the balls to do so. Just taking a breath before I delve into actually speaking to him, or trying to tend to any of the unwoven threads. I don't even know if I want to. Why now? Why when I finally felt like I had completely moved on does this person pop up again just out of the blue?

I know Ive wanted him to walk back out of the fog, but just don't know how to feel or what to think. I did respond, but have left it open... not my usual way, but I need to think before I respond - would like to be able to rescue a friendship out of the entire kybosh!

Apparently "unfriend" was the word of the year for 2009 - @ least according to this article from dailymail.co.uk

They may say 'unfriend', however I think popular opinion would side with the slightly different term of 'de friend' to describe the action of removing a 'friend' from your friends list on social networking sites, most commonly Facebook. However after actually taking the time to actually "look" at what it says on facebook - I think the correct term would be removing a friend.

You may already know that at the beginning of the year I was in a little poke war with an ex love. I love Facebook poking! I really need to sit down and properly write about how my heart healed itself through a string of pokes, the amazing restorative properties of a very tiny icon. . . but today is not that day!

Today I'm going to tell you about poking another ex love, and 'accidentally' getting de-friended in the process! This is the ex love I wrote about in my post 'That Summer' I think I'll call him "the Star" for reasons only known to him.

He is such a great guy, great mate! Totally cracks me up whenever I'm Down, Supports me when I'm falling apart and encourages me when I feel like quitting! He really is a star!

I hadn't chatted with him for a week or two, and the poking war had begun to diminish, I figured I'd start one with him. Only for entertainment value - & for the fact that you can know someone's still alive and kicking when they don't upgrade their Facebook status. (I truly believe there is so much more to be said for the facebook poke - its truly marvelous!!)

A day or two later I was checking out Super Poke on Facebook - so much more to do than just poke! I decided to throw a sheep @ the star, but when I went looking for him in my friends list, but he wasn't there!

I was scared for a second. Had the star fallen from the sky? Did I forget to make a wish as he shot across the sky on his way into social networking oblivion?

So I searched for him on Facebook, Found him easily (he really is a one of a kind. If I ever find another person with his name . . .well I will buy a lottery ticket!!!) There he was, the sweet pic of him and wife to be, there was the box saying mutual friends. But He was no longer my friend!!!

What had I done? I know I failed to answer him via Facebook chat, he called me a whore, If I had been at my computer I wouldve responded with slut, But this missed message was weeks ago. Pre Poke!

Hit friend request, added message - " De-friended me huh? Pfftttt!!

A day later my news feed showed The Star and Violet Goodwin are now friends.

Then get the message saying I mustv'e defriended him, Pffft! again.

Then the answer, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me. . . I wouldn't call it de-friending, I'd call it drunken wife to be logging in as me.

Panic ensued, far greater panic than when I discovered I as de-friended. And a heavy dose of fear. I have lost many a male mate through marriage. I think I will still boy Mrs star to be a nice fancy set of cuttlery, I just won't mention he stabbed me, or that for one summer we swapped saliva!

Not really much point to this story, It's not funny or insightful. Perhaps in time I will edit it so it will be. I kind of lost my steam thinking of some really great, special and close male friends I have lost to marriage.


As an asside On Facebook you have friends, whilst on Twitter you are either a follower of someone or they are following you. I guess "un-follow" Might make the list for 2010!


mm the conversation with a possibly nosy wife could be another good or boring story to tell. The one that I felt sure was this mates wife questioning a discussion we had had online that later got tagged "naughty!"  I am not a man stealer and am always overjoyed when my mates find love. I just wish their loves could be secure enough to not be jealous of a female friend.

Theres a funny thing about Illegal drugs . .  Despite all of the incredibly negative effects they have on individuals and society as a whole, I saw this image on another website . . . And kind of came to the realisation that it sadly is true!!
I personally found the image posted @ It's Monopoly Money - And find an odd irony in the fact the image is titled 'Medicinal Marijuana' , I suppose the reason for the irony is that people buying weed in Australia get to learn the imperial system of ounces, quarter ounces and if you are into it enough pounds, despite the fact Australia is 100% Metrc.


I have unfortunately had the displeasure of knowing a high number of drug users in the past. Even with a low IQ  and often without a full high school education, the majority can do some pretty quick and odd calculations on the fly!

EG: 1ml Of Methadone Syrup contains 5mg of the drug, 1ml =$2.50  or $0.50c per mg. Throw either measure of 'mils' (both milliliters & milligrams are pronounced the same!!) at a person interested in buying or selling their Take Aay doses of Methadone and they will Immediately throw a figure back at you. Often before I could ever work out which kind of 'mils' either person was talking about!!

Buyer: "How many mils you got left"
me: thinking milligrams or milliliters?
Seller: "75"
Buyer: Doesn't get the chance to ask how much
Seller: " $37.50 thanks"
me: "thinking milligrams or milliliters?
Buyer: hands over $50
Seller: hand over said bottle o 'done' along with $12.50 change.
Both parties are long gone before I even work out what they were saying!!

Irony: It took me longer to work out the ratio's etc for this interaction than it took to type it!!

So if you are worried your being overcharged on your phone bill - find a drug addict to check it for you, apparently they are great @ math.

Sadly despite many varied methods I even FAIL epically when it comes to taking drugs - which I guess is EPIC WIN,

I just wonder if people discriminate against those who use medicinal marijuana in the same way they do against those who are prescribed the drug 'Physeptone' aka Methadone for long term intense pain. I guess I'll never know.

I want to live like we did that summer.

This song is constantly playing on one of the lifestle chanels at the moment. Every single time I hear it I remember my amazing Summer Romance. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. Which is pretty sad. . . as it was the summer of 92-93!

He was (& still is) the most amazing guy. He treated me like a queen. Boosted my self-esteem no end - something he still does!  All the other girls wanted to be with him - he was soooooo hot! He was almost my ticket to cool lol.

I could write a million things about him, but never really get to the core of why he is such a special person, but I think the reason he was the best boyfriend I ever had is because he never hurt me. We never broke up, he never cheated on me or anything like that. He was a total flirt (& will always be) yet not in a way that ever made me jealous. It was just one of those perfect, innocent summer romances - one that lasted until the leaves started to loose their color and simply fell from the trees.

Actually he did hurt me once. He stabbed me in the back! He was playing with a fork and bent the tines to odd angles, once he grew bored of it he just left it outside lying on the ground near where we were sitting having a smoke.

I got a letter from my mum and went back outside to have a smoke whilst I read it. I sat on the ground, then laid down. Right on the upward facing tines of the fork!! I cried, he held me close to his chest and kissed my face, wiping away my tears. He really did treat me like absolute royalty.

Even now - 17years later I still love him. I love him dearly. But in the 17 years the love has evolved, I love him like a brother - yeah it seems incestuous, but I can't  explain it any better than that. He is now a good mate, one that I know I could call on day or night if ever I needed him, I hope he knows the same goes for him.

He's getting married next year, and I'm going to definitely buy him and his wife a set of fancy cutlery, all in the hopes that she'll leave one with bent tines in the bed - & pay the cheeky bastard back. I just hope that un-like other male friends, that marriage won't mean an end to our friendship.

One day I will write our story - properly. I've written it before, It's a beautiful story despite some of the events being filled with extreme tragedy. Perhaps its the tradgedy that makes it so beautiful. two kids whose lives look so bad that there appears to be nowhere to go - but in each other they find the answers. It was all very romantic, No wonder no one has ever been able to measure up. Not even the one where  I had a crush on someone for a million years and finally got to taste the honey!


Josh Pyke
Summer
If I could bottle up the sea breeze I would take it over to your house
And pour it loose through your garden
So the hinges on your windows would rust and colour
Like the boats pulled up on the sand for the summer
And your sweet clean clothes would go stiff on the line
And there’d be sand in your pockets and nothing on your mind

But every year it gets a little bit harder
To get back to the feeling of when we were fifteen
And we could jump in the river upstream
And let the current carry us to the beginning where
The river met the sea again
And all our days were a sun-drenched haze
While the salt spray crusted on the window panes

We should be living like we lived that summer
I wanna live like we live in the summer

And I’ll remember that summer as the right one
The storms made the pavement steamlike a kettle
And our first goodbye always seemed like hours
In the car park in between my house and yours
And if the summer holds a song we might sing forever
Then the winter holds a bite we’d never felt before

But time is like the ocean
You can only hold a little in your hands
So swim before we’re broken
Before our bones become
Black coral on the sand

It has been a very long 10 days. . . It has at times been agonizing.

But finally, I got that magic poke.

The poke I had been longing for,  - no matter how pathetic that is,
I'm almost proud to admit I'm pathetic, because It is the truth.

I even got a little more than a fb poke.

I got a sweet, short & succinct fb msg reply.

And just that alone, well it made my heart beat faster, it put the bright sunbeam quality back into the smile I had lost.

No matter how tiny, no matter how pathetic, I will always choose hope over doubt.

Even if my funny (well I thought it was funny) txt msg didn't warrant a reply.

I will cling to my hope and hold tight my dreams . . .  for  "the best laid plans of  mice and men often go awry"




I know the quote is about everything going wrong - this is exactly why I cling to hopes and dreams - the theme of Steinbeck's story, For everything has gone awry, but I still may just come out of it alive, and be all the better for it.

 For It is in our dreams that we find comfort when there is no other comfort to be found
Text quoted is from "Of Mice & Men" by John Steinbeck, which was originally written in a poem called "To a Mouse" by Robert Burns All other text plus the image are all mine lol