Sometimes Screaming

A Tangled web

2010-11-15T14:34:00.000+11:00

I wanted to tell you that you should know you can trust me. You can trust me with anything, nothing you could say would make me turn my back on you. No secret, no matter how bad it is would change the way I feel for you. My friendship is something you would never have to worry about losing.

That is until I found out about the secret you wouldn't share with me.

I do not know if it is the secret that disgusts me, the thing that you did that irks me or is it that you kept it secret. Why could you share it with others but not with me?

I have thick skin and a caring compassionate heart. I'm not normally judgemental and often unusually understanding. I can take the worst of things and find a way to find a positive within a mess.

Why would you keep from me something that so many other people all know about? The small amount of disgust I feel for what you did is magnified greatly by both your secrecy and inability to discuss it or even tell me about it. This isn't something insignificant, it's fucking monumental.

Times like these make me ponder things of a philosophical nature. So many, many questions. Why do you treat one person differently to another? Why is it that one person deserves respect when another doesn't, why is it that you would tell a huge number of others but not me?

Although the whole issue is someone else I keep thinking why me? and why not me? why can't you trust me enough to tell me? why have you tried to hide it from me? Very selfish, egocentric thoughts when the situation at the center of things doesn't involve me... yet.

I just sit back and wonder if you'll have the courage to come forth and tell me, with or without an explanation before I fully complete the puzzle on my own. I also wonder once I have placed all the pieces together if I will have the courage to confront you... or at least say those four words...

I know your secret
then ask - why couldn't you tell me?
why couldn't you trust me?

the jigsaw

2010-11-11T19:47:00.000+11:00

Gradually I'm piecing together the jigsaw, the puzzle is starting to take form, an image is emerging.

Is it going to be a good picture or a gruesome one. Will I regret collecting the pieces and putting them together.

I feel that there is pain coming, but from within the pain will growth be born or will it bring everything down to the ground.

Only time will tell, I hope growth rather than chaos and destruction will be the result.

What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?

2010-05-09T07:59:00.001+10:00

Some clothes that either don't fit or are starting to perish - such items include: My Led Zepplin shirt - a hot hot hot guy gave me for my 15th b'day. He took it straight off his back. Not sure if the shirt or the great view was my true gift, but I will never let it go.
#2 a t shirt with a hot hot hot picture of jasmine hirst (gooogle her) and a gun. It says so many men so few bullets - classic. It was a gift for my 16th b'day
#3 the teeny tiny waisted skirt I was wearing the day I met my ex - my son's dad. Also from when I was 16

Yes the best times of my life were half my lifetime ago!

Ask me anything

Silence Sucks

2010-04-23T22:32:00.000+10:00

Silence Sucks - Just ask Martin Luther King Jnr...

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Or Bob Dylan

Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Yet Confucius says:

Silence is the true friend that never betrays.

Maybe now - with the wisdom of confucius I can start to understand your silence.

My Bucket List

2010-04-21T15:15:00.000+10:00

My Bucket List - V1.0

I figure everyone should have a 'Bucket List' - A list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket!

So I have resolved to start my own. I think 100 Items in the list is fair - I will have to come back and edit it to add some, and tick off those I have done.

But for now I present - Version 1.0 of My Bucket List

1. Drink real Absinthe - the green spirit that was long banned
2. Eat something that has truffles in it
3. Have Jello (jelly for us in oz) shots
4, Meet Dave Grohl
5, Learn to play Love buzz on a bass
6. Leave some graffiti under the bridge
7. Go to the Atlantis Resort
8. Have breakfast and read the morning paper in central park
9. Ride Lethal Weapon @ Movie World
10.Get My MC (Multi Combination) licence - to legally drive a B-Double
11. Have sex in a body of water
12. Watch all of the Star Wars movies
13. Watch the entirety of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy (I always fall asleep after they leave the shire)
14. Live in a city other than Sydney
15. Go Skinny dipping
16. Finish a Quilt so it can become a family heirloom
17. Finish the quilts my nan didn't get to
18. Be a size 16 again (well I can hope)
19. Get 'Cause the one's that hurt can give so much, you gave me such' tattooed on me
20. Do @ least one more demolition Derby

I think I will leave it @ 20 for now... The one thing I'd like to re-experience before I die is being pregnant and giving birth - crazy huh? lol Maybe I only wish that because I know it can't happen!

til version 1.2 - ciao

Ibanez - and a hot chick

2010-04-20T14:26:00.004+10:00

As the title says - its a hot girl with an ibanez guitar...

... would look hotter if it were a Fender Jag-Stang!!

More Love Buzz

2010-04-11T09:28:00.003+10:00

This is a bit of an experimental post - just to check out this cool online mp3 player - Im going to start an actual real and proper blog soon, so I'm just checking out some features I'd like to add to it.

This being one of them - get yours @ mixpod.com

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I can't stop these tears from falling

2010-04-08T12:00:00.000+10:00

Another Artistic creation - although I'm not even close to happy with the outcome - again credits to blog.spoongraphics.co.uk for the wet ink typography tutorial which helped me create this.

I'm Definately on a typographical journey today

Font used is - Kingthings Serifique - which you can download free @ dafont.com

& a slightly different version - not sure if you can tell the difference - I'll definitely re-visit this project again.

Version 2

VIOLET - the poster via spoon graphics

2010-04-08T10:10:00.001+10:00

Violet - a text poster created with a tutorial from spoon graphics

I love Typography

And for the longest time have wanted to do a bunch of typographical art - but only now that I have re-formatted my laptop and re-installed photoshop - I can FINALLY do them.

However after reading through Chris's Tutorial I think the same thing could be achieved using Corel's Paint Shop Pro - however it would be a much more laborious project.

Find more cool tutorials along with graphics and web related goodies @ blog.spoongraphics.co.uk

I code like a Girl

2010-04-05T12:47:00.000+10:00

I code like a girl

But I am a GIRL

Yet still... I'm proud I code like a girl... this blog here being the exception to said rule.

Another quick note - this may be my final post - I'm about to reformat my laptop and fear I will get cut off from the world permanently by doing this - so if you are somehow reading this I ♥ you.

If I were a meme

2010-04-05T12:38:00.000+10:00

I love meme's - so this is probably the first of many to come...

I took this meme from Decoy Betty - & I know it needs to be reformated - but need to just store it here in case I haven't saved it before I reformat my laptop

If I were a month: February - always changing, it's the only month that changes

If I were a day of the week: I'd be a lazy Saturday afternoon - as on Sunday you have to get ready for monday.
If I were a time of day: I'd be 10:43pm - the most common time of day people have sex - or 3 am...
the witching hour - it's 3 am in the morning...eminem
If I were a planet: I'd be venus - mysterious and uncharted, but with a temperature so high it prohibits life.

If I were a sea animal:I'd be a great white shark
If I were a direction: I'd be north - so you could work out where you were when compared to me
If I were a piece of furniture: I'd be a comfy beat up sofa - may not look great but f*ckin comfy.

If I were a liquid: I'd be coke - vanilla coke

If I were an animal: I'd be a chamealeon - ever changing to try to fit into my surroundsif
If I were a gemstone, I’d be amethyst (kinda obvious - violet/pisces/febuary) - or a bright deep pink or black saphire

If I were a tree:I'd be a willow

If I were a tool: I'd be a swiss army knife - useful for all kinds of little things, but not useful for anything major.
If I were a flower: I'd be a vivid pink lily - or the ones from Meg's boquet (?)

If I were a kind of weather: I'd be the raging thunder storm after a hot summers day - the southerly that roars through
the gong and shire to chase the heat away

If I were a musical instrument: I'd be a bass guitar (but would love to be Dave grohl's set of drums!)

If I were a color: I'd be - well I am violet - but if I were a color... I could never stay the same - so a deep
holographic purple that changes colors depending on how you look at it - like on worked v8's.

If I were an emotion: I'd be that one funny moment that makes you smile whilst in the depths of great despair
- or the comfort in being sad

If I were a fruit: I'd be a blueberry - just cause they're cool

If I were a sound: I'd be the reverberation of Dave Grohl hitting a drum - or the bass line to love buzz
If I were an element, I’d be fire - despite my love of water - Fire can throw light into deep darkness, illumination and enlightenment, comfort and warmth yet also burn, damaging and destroying. Good and bad all converged into one..
If I were a car: I’d be a pony named Elanore
If I were a food: I'd be a steak sandwich form the grand Hyatt in Melbourne.
If I were a place, I’d be the safe comfort of my own bedroom - one for only me - my posters on the wall, my mattress on the floor.
If I were a material: I’d be well worn cotton jersey or pale soft faded denim
If I were a taste: I'd be a tequila sunrise, sweet yet sharp
If I were a scent: my favorite incense - nag champra
If I were an object: I'd be a goose down body pillow.
If I were a body part: I'd be a pregnant belly or a tattooed piece of skin
If I were a facial expression: I'd be the look of a light bulb switching on in someone's mind.
If I were a song: I'd be Violet - 'when I get what I want - then I never want it again' 'might last a day... might last forever'(or rape me - you're shit aint gunna bring me down)
If I were a pair of shoes: I'd be my rare cherry red & black marbled Docs - found in my size ( a stupidly huge 10) for $8 in a salvo's store

It's over

2010-03-24T21:39:00.002+11:00

?

2010-03-24T21:37:00.000+11:00

I just can't fight anymore.

I'm too insecure and overflowing with fear to relax and be happy.

I hate it. I hate myself.

Somehow Silence replaced screaming as the answer.

Perspective

2010-03-21T20:21:00.000+11:00

Somedays my problems weigh me down. They spin my mind like a gravitron, pinning me against the wall, unable to move.

Today is one of those days. My mind is over whelmed by the various disasters that are playing out on the stage that is my life.

Then whilst I'm amidst my own mess of self pity and loathing along comes Ewan McGregor and Charlie Borman & their documentary "The Missing Face". Highlighting the devastation and despair caused by the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the worst affected area on the planet - Africa.

It really put my problems in perspective. My 13 yr old may hate me, but he has two parents to care for him, He isn't responsible for 5 younger siblings, he is getting an education and he is healthy. If he had HIV he could, at the very least, receive medical care.

Things that I might be facing are microscopic compared to what these amazing kids are living with and facing on a daily basis- Check out the missing face website & get involved.

It is our world to live in. It is our world to care for.

torn

2010-03-20T19:56:00.000+11:00

I should be happy today. I should be celebrating. I have made it through an entire year. It has been a year since I quit methadone.

I've made it through the sickness and fought the agonising physical pain that led me to the evil stuff in the first place.

Instead of celebrating I'm wishing I could run away.

I'm 31 for shits sake - but I'm wishing I could run away!

Im not suicidal, nor am I depressed, but I still don't want to face another day trapped in my life.

I used to say - "You always have a choice - even when it seems you don't" but the 'choice' was to kill yourself. I got over my teenage angst and suicidal tendencies, but it doesn't make choices easier.

Do I stay here miserable and hated or do I run away?

Only problem is that I don't know where to run to...

I AM TORN

Silent... again

2010-03-18T22:43:00.000+11:00

The Rock Star has gone silent on me once again.

Perhaps she pushed too far and wore out her welcome.

Not Knowing is agonising... AGAIN

If she knew the reason she could deal.

Someone Died

2010-03-17T19:15:00.001+11:00

Someone Died.

I have known people who have died. I have known people who have killed themselves, and many more who have tried. I once even died myself.

I have a close friend who has a very close family member who has taken someone's life. Upon reflection, My amazing cousin most likely has taken lives as well, considering he's a soldier who has had a number of front line assignments or deployments. (Although I would never ever ask him about it.)

I killed a magpie a few months ago when I hit it with my car. I was rather upset.

On February 26th (which happened to be the 23rd anniversary of my brother Justin's death) A huge fight broke out in Port Macquarie. I'm not going to try and give the details as there are far too many versions floating about.

Essentially two groups of guys clashed, one of the guys was killed as he stumbled out onto the road into the path of an oncoming car as a result of the fight. A second guy is, as far as I know still in hospital recovering from the beating.

Here are two articles I found regarding it:
www.dailytelegraph.com.au
www.smh.com.au
www.maxynews.com -1
www.maxynews.com - 2

It Isn't just because it happened locally that has me rattled, It's the fact that I know, and am or was (fuck I don't know the status of our relationship now) friends with the guy who caused the young man to be killed. I was friends with Brendo through my X. And am floored by the fact him, along with 3 of his brothers were responsible for the death of another.

Only a week ago was I in a meeting with my son and his school principal regarding my son's anger management issues. The principal told the story of the young man being killed due to an argument, explaining to my son how this was caused by mis-placed anger and rage. Illustrating how if we can't control our anger it can cause us great harm.

My son has a lot of agro, as does his dad. I'm scared/frightened/sad that a friend did this, whether he meant to or not; he took a life. I think the scariest thought is that if my X had been there that night - he would've jumped in the car without a second thought, and would now be sitting in a jail cell.

My heart goes out to the families affected by this whole tragedy, to those whose son has died, to those who's son was injured, as well as to the families of those in the wrong. Especially Jess.

Brendo & Jess are expecting their first child together within the next month.

Keep you anger in check people!!!

Which Way Now

2010-03-17T17:31:00.000+11:00

Lost. Confused. Isolated. Uncertain. Scared.

I feel incredibly insecure. Insecurity scares me. Instability scares me. I am flooded with fear. (& overwhelmed by cliche's!!)

Choose - And you can only have one. You don't get to be the girl with the most cake. . .

The man you have loved, truly deeply loved, who love's you back, but it isn't fun, the excitement is gone and you are constantly feeling melancholy, yet you are secure in the fact therelationship will last if you are willing to put in the effort. . .

OR

The guy who turns you on and excites you. The one you have crushed on for years. The one you think is hotter than hot, but you feel is just using you. No security, no love, you are just an atm and fuck buddy. But he makes you happy and He's a sex god. . .

Which path do you take. . .

Good to Me

2010-03-09T21:09:00.000+11:00

I've got a 1980 Volvo
I get in, start it up and I go
It's not a vintage Cadillac
But it always gets me there and back

And it'll always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me

I've got a beat up Silvertone amp
I plug it in and it sounds like a champ
It's not a Fender Tweed Deluxe
It only cost me a couple o' bucks

But it'll always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me

I've got a girlfriend, she's so true
And no other kind of girl will do
'Cause I've known lots of girls in the past
And I knew none of their love would last

But this one will always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me

Always be good to me
Good to me
True to me
True to me

I don't need anything fancy, I don't need a man to be rich, I don't need to drive a hotted up car.
All I need are things in life that are ... Good to me do loo doo loodoo lodo

(Ive had the spazzy guitar riff stuck in my head for days!!)

Broken

2010-03-09T15:55:00.000+11:00

Broken Beaten Bruised Busted Burned Battered Belted Bent Bewildered

Sorry

2010-03-09T15:49:00.000+11:00

Sorry, I apologise, and ask forgiveness.

I am repentant, remorseful and penitent.

But not for the bad times, as without them the good times wouldn't have been so great.

The deeper the darkness, the brighter the light.

I am simply sorry that things had to degrade in order for things to change.

We have entered winter unprepared and fight against the force of nature. It will get bitter and frostbite may ravage our hearts, But hold tight to hope, for spring is around the corner.

Without an end we cannot start anew. It is from the endings that beginnings spring.

After all we have lived and loved I am sorry the ending has to be so harsh and cruel. This isn't the way I wanted things to be. I will always love you.

I'm not sorry

2010-03-07T00:42:00.000+11:00

I'm not sorry that there is nothing left to save...

I'm not sorry for anything that we gave.

"Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Point Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars

Pain

2010-03-06T23:42:00.001+11:00

I'm in so much pain, It is indescribable.
Physical pain, emotional torture and an unsettled heart.

I'm paralyzed by this agony from my chest down. Every small move I make feels like my flesh is tearing. I see a visual image of a butcher carving up a side of beef.

Writhing,agonizing, torturous hell.

Flesh, bone, organs and muscles all screaming. Hot pokers tear through my insides whilst sledge hammers smash against my bones and joints. I'm getting close to the point of giving in. I wish there was something I could do to just ease the pain. Unbearable, intolerable, insufferable out of control tormenting agony.

I think I'd do almost anything just for the relief of a green whistle.

I'm crying, balling like a baby. Tears streaming down my face as I hear a voice begging for the pain to stop, not realizing it's my voice that is pleading for relief.

I mustn't have been being quiet enough for I managed to gain the unwanted attention of the asshole who is my ex (& very annoyingly my flatmate) I'm laying on the lounge rocking in pain, tears streaming down my face, begging to a god I know does not exist - My ex chooses this moment to tell me exactly how and why I deserve the pain.

His diatribe, his regularly regurgitated spiel begins. This time it gets physical. All the dirty dishes get wiped off the bench and they crash and break against the floor. Glass bottles get thrown at me - How dare I spend money on alcohol. Alcohol I need to cope with having to share this roof.

I am unwanted, hated, horrid, disgusting, useless and a waste if space and oxygen. Sadly this line comes flying out of the mouth of my almost 13 yr old son. Leave. We hate you. We don't want you here. I wish you were dead. Do me a favor and kill yourself.

Still can't work out what hurts the most - my body conspiring against me - or my family hating me.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be there.
I don't want to be any fucking where.

Love Buzz - a dream I once had, a memory I now have

2010-03-05T21:18:00.101+11:00

Love Buzz has always been special to me. It symbolizes a dream I once had and now a new memory someone special created for me.

Love Buzz - NIRVANA's first single - a limited vinyl release of 1000 copies by sub pop records in 1988, the b-side was Big Cheese. It was the first single in Sub Pop's Single of the Month club. One day I intend to own a copy! (then my name can be on this list) It later appeared on Bleach and the 'Blew' ep.

Bleach - NIRVANA's first album - back in the pre Dave Grohl days. It's muddy and more metallic. The lyrics more slurred and simplistic (most written a day or less in advance - & ever evolving when they played live), it cost $606.17 and took about 5 hours to record. To me Bleach is the definition and epitome of grunge.

I love this song, even if it's not an original song (it's a cover of shocking blue's 1969 single) - and the bass line ... OMG ...music has always been what keeps my soul alive ... But this bass line just ... Inexplicable ... It does amazing things to my mind, body and soul ... My own personal audio nirvana!

It was the first song I ever wanted to learn. That low dirty tone of the bass line mixed with the plastic pop style lyrics. I wanted to start a band just to play that song - I didn't let the fact I couldn't play any instrument other than a flute rain on my parade!! lol. It never happened.

Instead I just held the dream within my head, hoping one day to see it played. Later the dream evolved. One day all facets of this dream like fantasy will hopefully come true ...

When Kurt Cobain died I don't think I had seen him actually moving - I had a million photos and had seen music video's, but had never seen him speak, move or perform live. So In late '94 when Live! Tonight! Sold Out!!. was released on video I had to have it. I remember exactly where I watched it and the people who were there. Love Buzz was the highlight.

Kurt Stage dives into the mosh and belts this biker lookin security type guy in the head with his guitar, biker dude hits back. Pounding Kurt. Cue Dave ... He comes bursting out from behind the drum kit to help pull Kurt from both the mosh and the biker dude. Dave is the perfect knight in shining armor. (side note: my knight in shining armor just happens to look like Dave Grohl!!) And of course the live versions are far better as Dave by far out drums Chad Channing - and everyone else who's ever hit the skins - with the exception of Jon Bonham of course!!!!

Recently I happened to divulge my secret Love Buzz dream/fantasy to the Rock Star whilst chatting via msn (with video and audio). After watching the live clip, he gets up grabs a bass from another room and starts tuning it.

I had to hold my hand over my mouth to cover my shock and awe. Guitars, especially bass guitars have an aphrodisiac effect upon me.

Right when I thought it could get no better he says to me - ' I think they use drop D tuning' - don't ask me what the fuck drop D tuning is (he did explain, but I can't re-explain it) I think my heart skipped a beat. He knew NIRVANA used drop D tuning... In hindsight - of course he knew this - he is the Rock Star derr! I first met him when he was in a band!

None the less as he proceeded to play the bass line, all 5 notes, over and over again... I thought my heart would stop or fall out, or even both. It was ... Fucking AWESOME!!I was in heaven.

Now if he teaches me those 5 notes... well I don't think I should publicly say what I'd do lol.

There's so many reasons that I will never forget the Rock Star - but him taking the time and the effort to play that for me... Let's just say I hope one day to be able to reciprocate the favor. It is one of the nicest, sweetest and thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me.

Love Buzz is the holy grail of the NIRVANA fan

I love NIRVANA and I LOVE Vinyl - thus I love 'In search of Love Buzz... NIRVANA collection' - a blog about collecting NIRVANA vinyl!!

And for more cool NIRVANA rarities and full discography check out Digital NIRVANA or Live NIRVANA for all the live goodies!!

Body and Soul

2010-03-05T20:41:00.008+11:00

Late last year my beautiful elder foster sister introduced me to Gibran - The Prophet. I've grown to love his words.

One day I dream of being able to express myself with my own words rather than with those of others.

A man and a woman sat by a window that opened upon Spring. They sat close one unto the other. And the woman said, “I love you. You are handsome, and you are rich, and you are always well-attired.”

And the man said, “I love you. You are a beautiful thought, a thing too apart to hold in the hand, and a song in my dreaming.”

But the woman turned from him in anger, and she said, “Sir, please leave me now. I am not a thought, and I am not a thing that passes in your dreams. I am a woman. I would have you desire me, a wife, and the mother of unborn children.”

And they parted.

And the man was saying in his heart, “Behold another dream is even now turned into mist.”

And the woman was saying, “Well, what of a man who turns me into a mist and a dream?”

Body and Soul
By Kahlil Gibran
The Wanderer
(1932)

I love you for you are my dream.
A dream which evolved within the mist.
A dream that was long shadowed and hidden by the fog.
Now that the fog has parted,
I fear the love I feel for you is nothing but a dream.
Violet Goodwin 2010

Dead Memories

2010-03-03T21:17:00.001+11:00

Dead Memories.

Memories of Death.

Lost in my head.

My head is now lost.

Sitting in the dark.

Dark is sitting inside me.

We were never alive,
And we won't be born again.
But I'll never survive
With Dead Memories in my heart.

So when I got away,
I only kept my scars.
The Other Me Is Gone.
Now I don't know where I belong

Dead Memories - Slipknot - Warner Music 2008

31 is my new 21

2010-03-03T07:39:00.000+11:00

I have always thought that some of the best times of my life were as a teenager - Fuck!! How wrong was I!!!

I also had a pretty great year when I was 21 and single, surrounded by friends and family, standing on my own two feet and supporting myself and my son without any help from a man. Granted I crashed and burned in a big way, but I was happy (well kinda miserable - but felt pretty good about myself)

I've just turned 31 - and guess what??? I'm pretty fucking happy.

X did nothing to destroy this birthday - he didnt get me a present, but not destroying it was a pretty good present.

ACDC absolutely rocked, experience of a fucking lifetime. Most of my close friends and family went to see them on their Black Ice tour, and because some of them missed out, got stuck in seats or trampled in the mega mosh I feel kind of bad sharing the fact that I got a last minute invite to go see them on Saturday night.

And not just any invite - a laminate style invite, the kind hundreds of thousands would've killed to possess. And a really cool crew t-shirt which somehow managed to get signed. At first I didnt believe Mcgoo when he said I should come down to Sydney for my birthday - not that I didn't believe his invite (McGoo Fuckin Rocks!!!) - but because I didn't believe ACDC would be playing on Feb 20th - the 30th anniversary of Bon Scotts death (and my 31st B'day).

I will treasure that night for a long time to come - It almost out did my previous favorite birthdays, then the following night I got a text from someone I had been longing to hear from. I guess all in all it is definitely up there in the top 3 birthdays in my life.

(yes the txt was from the rockstar)

Worst Dates Ever

2010-02-23T02:41:00.000+11:00

I've been reading a lot of relationship, love and dating blogs lately. I may have spent the majority of my life in a relationshio, but staying in a relationship is easy. Far to easy. It's easier to stay with something your used to, but hate, than to find the courafe to leave and walk into the unknown.

That said, a lot of these blogs simply show that the unknown is a landscape ravaged with peaks, crevices and plenty of landmines that you must traverse in order to reach the heavenly plains of romantic bliss beyond the horizon.

Some of the very very worst dates ever can be found at -> myveryworstdate.com

Other great Dating and looking for love blogs include : Plenty more fish out of water by fishy and Rapunzel's Tales from the Ttower - These two bloggers are so committed that they even met and went out on a date together, for the sake of love and their blogs. It was great fun to read their posts with great anticipation.

Another great one is Tales from an Internet Dater : Right know this blogess is in the throws of the buzzingly exciting newly in love relationship status. not with a man she met online, but rather a guy who came to help fix her boiler! Really hope it all goes well for her.

Kitty tells it like it is : A yound single mum who is also navigating her way through building a new 'post serious relationship' but seems to be doing well, and is fun to read.

There are more but these are my favourites.

Enjoy

New Tattoo - pondering ambigrams

2010-02-21T02:49:00.000+11:00

Ive got 2 small tattoo's and love them both dearly as they both represent huge influences on my life - )however Ive copped flack for not having my sons name tattooed on my flesh - so am looking at ambigrams of Andy)

I have a pink robbin on my right arm in honour of my dearly loved Nanna who passed away on April 9th 2008. She had breast cancer that although was once cured, it returned vengefully and had great effect on her right arm. She lost her ability to write clearly yet she kept practising. Under the effects of strong Narcotics she practised her writing in the front of a book I had lent to her. That book now means so much more to me.

(I once died, but was obviously revived. It was April 9th 1994 - Huge love of trivia and co-incedences)

My Other Tattoo is a black Letter 'K' at the bottom of my rib cage/top of my stomache. It sits above a thick scar from an operation, and is over a scar of the letter K which I created by carving into my flesh over a number of years.

Of Course it is in honour of Kurt Cobain. Who wouldve been celebrating turning 43 today! He was and still is a huge part of my life.

I never want to get a tattoo that doesnt mean something significant to me.

I have always wanted the lyrics - "'cause the ones that hurt can give so much, you gave mr such" from 'Tearjerker' by RHCP which is about Kurt Cobain. I used to sing it to my son as a lullaby when he couldnt sleep as a baby.

So I guess the lyrics would honour both my son and Kurt at the same time - but think ANDY will have to come first.

I do not have a great body - well and truly far from it, so where to put it is hard to decide. Im thinking on my hip though, or on my left arm.

(If I had a great ass I'd get "I wish I was like you ... easily amused" from 'All Apologies' by NIRVANA on my back - just think it would be kind of funny.)

As yet Im still undecided as to what my new tattoo will be of or what it will look like - but chances are it will be text, most likely an ambigram of ANDY - an ambigram being a word that reads the same (or something else related) forwards, backwards, upside down and right side up. It was used in the Dan Brown novel & movie - 'Angels & Demons'

Beautiful Disaster - Ambigram tattoo design

Im really into Ambigrams, and have been trying to create my own - really shouldve known there would be online ambigram generators'Beautiful Disaster' is a beautiful song my foster sister sang at her younger brother's funeral - i think Kelly Clarkson sang it first - It is most definitely about an addict, and probably a manic depressive one at that. So it's just another design I'm considering

Really Can't wait!!!

Another year passes

2010-02-20T22:58:00.001+11:00

Another Day passes, Another year ends, Tomorrow is my birthday. Another year of life over, Another ready to begin.

My year of being 30 brought me much pleasure and even more pain. But because I lived through it I will never be the same.

I'm feeling all nostalgic, and a little sorry for myself. The last time I had a great birthday was in 1994 when I turned 15. It is hard for me to choose my favorite birthday, but 14 and 15 are pretty much neck and neck. They were just amazing!!

Every birthday since has been tinged with sadness, and often loaded up with pain. 16 was possibly the worst, but that was the last before my ex was to blame.

I always felt that Feb 20th was just a special date, it wasn't until my 14th that I felt like it was fate. Kurt Cobain shared my Birth Date, My Chinese Zodiac too. It was on my 14th that I got to celebrate this fact.

I was living in a teenage refuge, glad to have escaped my fathers roof and wrath. I didn't think It would be a very happy day. In the refuge we could only receive phone calls from family members, and was shocked when the worker came to get me to tell me my cousin was on the phone.

My cousin? My eldest cousin was about 9 at the time, and knew there was no way they would be calling me, and certainly not at the place I was staying. Somewhere between the loungeroom and the office where the phone was, the penny started to drop.

Could it possibly not be my cousin, but maybe Noddy's cousin - aka The Star. He had left town just prior to Christmas, taking my heart with him. I had two or three boyfriends in the mean time, and so many more since. But the Star was my first and truest love. He was my 14th Birthday present. And no other present has ever quite measured up - not even when I got engaged exactly ten years later.

15 was special for other reasons, for it was the one celebrated the best. Surrounded by so many friends, a surprise party which I managed to ruin the surprise of!!! It still meant the world to me that my beautiful foster mother organised it for me when I though I was going to be spending the weekend alone. I was showered with gifts, not at great expense, but presents that were great and true. Many were hand made and beautiful, I still have most of them and treasure them deeply.

The best one was when little Ben literally gave me the shirt off of his back. A long sleeved black T-shirt, Led Zepplin's Swan Song. The boy upon whom I had the hugest of crushes took of his shirt and showed my his incredibly hot skeletal frame, and spent the rest of the day being my eye candy!! I will never forget that day. In the 16 years that have passed that shirt simply gets thinner and thinner, but I will never ever get rid of it.

15 was the last time I got to share my birthday with Kurt Cobain. Every year since then his shadow has remained.

16 was harsh and cruel, then I met Mr.E and he ruined all the rest. Just wonder what he has in store for me to rain on my parade!

2010-02-17T06:27:00.000+11:00

Mona Lisa Nailed - A recreation of Da Vinci's Mona Lisa, created by a tradesman using a nail gun - Absolutely Amazing

9RAW: Tradesman ‘paints’ Mona Lisa with nail gun

In New York

2010-02-17T05:57:00.000+11:00

The city that never sleeps - New York. Seems a good place for an eternal Insomniac. Third Night Straight, ZERO sleep. Lets hear it for New York!!!

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York

"Take me out, Take me under, Lack of sleep, Lack of Slumber, Without Dreams, All sounds are Thunder, What is Peace, I'll always Wonder." Violet Goodwin

My Doppelganger

2010-02-16T08:11:00.001+11:00

I have a Doppelganger. She is my identical twin. I have met her - many years ago - her name is Esther. She stole my birth certificate - I stole her boyfriend - She definitely got the better deal!!

Doppelganger is also the super cool Hairdressers where I get my Oh so Original hair style! - If your in Sydney - GO THERE - right near Newtown Station xx Violet

Otherwise, I made a Pretty Picture Whilst waiting for dawn to arrive.... Sadly I am yet to find my sleep.

Pain and Agony or Lyrical Genius

2010-02-16T05:17:00.001+11:00

Pain andAgony, Wrath and Rapture. All are evident in the Lyrics of my god. Kurt Cobain.

I can barely begin to explain the way his words have always spoken to me.

I can Barely begin to explain how Hot Dave Grohl is to my eyes. I held onto a crush for over half my lifetime, because... amongst other things, this guy looked like Dave Grohl. I only wish I had a photo to show you the crush guy!!

Anyway, was looking for Mr hottness that is Dave, and came across a post comparing the two former Bandmates. I couldn't help myself but to comment -> see below, but doubt what I wrote makes much sense as I head into the final straights of 48 hours without sleep!

I honestly can't decide which is more frustrating, Silence or Insomnia!

Anyway the Article -> From the Blog Entitled Facing Abuse -> the Post - Cobain and Grohl: Mythic Heroes. They are both my heroes in one way or the other. Kurt of my soul, Dave of my eyes and teeny bopper fan hormones.

As for my comments.... very badly written and not even thought out.... here they are:

You make some good points. I don’t know either of them, as I doubt many people who write about NIRVANA, Kurt, Dave etc do. But… there's always a but! I was there to witness it all, albeit at a distance.
We are formed by both nature and nurture. Our Genes and our lives experiences are what create our individual selves. They shared part of each others journey through life. I guess all I’m saying is that I agree, yet still feel an innate desire to defend Kurt.
Possibly even more so his lyrics. The man was a lyrical genius. Dave Grohl can out drum him, and I admit plays guitar ‘better’ than kurt. But when you are analysing Lyrics, especially those of Kurts, there is so much more written in between the lines. Often the empty spaces are packed full of meaning, where as at other times Lyrics that stand out as genius are merely words.
Kurt smells like teen spirit – a piece of insulting humor that was graffiti, but brought Generation X to our feet. A line such as “Who will be the King and Queen of all of the outcasted teens” speaks absolute volumes, yet was left in a notebook, not even getting the chance to fall victim to the cutting room floor. (it is a lyric from the originally penned smells like teen spirit – possibly the most hated piece of his brilliance)
Rape Me – I paid $3k to get a radio station to play it whilst fundraising for tsunami relief. Yes its Angry, Yes it’s in your Face, And YES its far too often misinterpreted, It actually speaks out against Rape and gives courage to its victims. It may well be the most brilliant of all his songs.
I love Dave Grohl, I absolutely do. And I understand the points you are making regarding his lyrics being much more upbeat and up tempo etc. But a Fairer comparison may have been between Heart Shaped Box by cobain and Marigold by Grohl, two different songs on the same single.
Not sure If I have a point as such….. But really hate the way that Rape me gets misinterpreted.!

And that's about that.

I am the ultimate Kurt Cobain Fan. I tattooed a K upon my chest, after many years of carving one there. I am lucky and honored (& crazy enough to love the fact) that I share his Birthday. I always knew Feb 20th was special. . . If I drew comparisons between our lives, I should've died at 27!!

Illumination by Candle Light

2010-02-16T03:23:00.001+11:00

A Candle Never Loses its Light by Lighting Another Candle. an ancient proverb

When a Candle shares it's flame with another, Its flame is not diminished nor Its illumination dimmed. By sharing its flame with another, It creates another flame. A flame that can now also be shared and combined their ability to illuminate grows such that together they can shine light into places where darkness once hid.

I'd like to think that a Heart can be like a candle. Not loosing its love by sharing it with another, but rather gaining experience and the power that comes with such. Deepening and enriching the life of the hearts owner as well as the hearts it shares its Love with.

At least that is my take - Once I can put that, along with a few points as to why guilt shouldn't be felt, My Reply to the message should be almost complete.

If only sleep were like a candle, or a heart. Yet again I ponder on my love for sleep and the unrequited love insomnia has for me.

Out of the Blue

2010-02-15T03:51:00.002+11:00

It was rather odd. Completely out of the blue, without provocation, and for no reason I can come up with, I got a text from the person I've just spent almost 6 weeks pining for. The person whom I finally felt I'd gotten over.

Yesterday I was reading a post on a blog called Between the sheets, the author ponders why is it that When past loves hear that we are single again they find themselves compelled to contact us

I know that he hasn't contacted me because he's heard I'm single, my relationship status has remained constantly empty!

Apparently he was feeling bad, or guilty about the way things ended. Why couldnt he find the courage to say those words six weeks ago when I really needed to hear it. Despite being slightly peeved that he has now drawn up feelings I had worked so hard to put to bed, it's somewhat comforting that he still had my number.

I don't hold onto some stupid hope that the message was anything other than him feeling sorry for himself and wanting forgiveness to escape a guilt that must have somehow grown within his soul. I knew the person I was getting involved with, and silent treatment following one night stands was almost his reason dietre.

I still have questions, although I doubt he wants to answer them, let alone the balls to do so. Just taking a breath before I delve into actually speaking to him, or trying to tend to any of the unwoven threads. I don't even know if I want to. Why now? Why when I finally felt like I had completely moved on does this person pop up again just out of the blue?

I know Ive wanted him to walk back out of the fog, but just don't know how to feel or what to think. I did respond, but have left it open... not my usual way, but I need to think before I respond - would like to be able to rescue a friendship out of the entire kybosh!

Butterflies

2010-02-13T23:05:00.002+11:00

Have had nothing to do today - the house work all got done by the ex/partner in parenting/flatmate/who knows hot to define our relationship guy - All Ive done is sleep til late and cook dinner. In between I screwed around with re-coloring butterflies.

Decided to turn them into a slideshow. This being the result:

Enjoy!

want to create your own slideshow featuring your picasa photos and embed it in your blog or web site-> http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/getEmbed

Dream within a Dream

2010-02-12T19:10:00.001+11:00

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allen Poe

Mystery Of The Clean House

2010-02-12T16:43:00.000+11:00

I met my son's father when I was 16. We moved in together almost instantly. He was a messy pig who still took his washing home to his mum once a week. I was in love, I was blind, So I stupidly cleaned his room whilst he was at work.... As a way of showing him I loved him and that I wanted to look after him.

Big Mistake....

In the 15 odd years since then I can only clearly remember him cleaning three times. 1- when we moved out of the first place we shared he cleaned the shower to get his bond back. 2- he washed the dishes one day because he felt guilty for smoking a joint (he had/has a huge issue with pot) and 3- After we moved from Sydney he spent a morning scrubbing his BBQ. It was really filthy.

He has only ever cooked for me a few times, baked beans on toast when I was pregnant and couldnt eat, and the occasional bbq here and there.

Today after he got home from work (he's a truck driver and works sunday-thursday nights travelling to Sydney and back) Instead of heading to bed, he instead took our son to the supermarket to buy some food, returning home to cook breakfast - very odd.

I was asleep on the lounge - definately not a morning person. By the time I woke up not only had he cooked breakfast, but he had done 5 loads of washing, the dishes were clean, beds were made and he was vacuuming!

I now have a very clean house, clean clothes - my lounge room floor is no longer covered in my clothes, the dust on the book case is gone, and the rubbish and filth from his bedroom has made its way to the bun. Somehow the lawn also looks perfectly manicured. - I'm god damn shocked. I won't forget today in a hurry

He must want something. This is a guy who never lifts a finger, no matter how much I used to whinge. Curiosity is killing me. I want to know whats up. He's either done something really bad, or wants a humongous favor - I want to know - NOW.

De-Friended

2010-02-04T13:52:00.000+11:00

Apparently "unfriend" was the word of the year for 2009 - @ least according to this article from dailymail.co.uk

They may say 'unfriend', however I think popular opinion would side with the slightly different term of 'de friend' to describe the action of removing a 'friend' from your friends list on social networking sites, most commonly Facebook. However after actually taking the time to actually "look" at what it says on facebook - I think the correct term would be removing a friend.

You may already know that at the beginning of the year I was in a little poke war with an ex love. I love Facebook poking! I really need to sit down and properly write about how my heart healed itself through a string of pokes, the amazing restorative properties of a very tiny icon. . . but today is not that day!

Today I'm going to tell you about poking another ex love, and 'accidentally' getting de-friended in the process! This is the ex love I wrote about in my post 'That Summer' I think I'll call him "the Star" for reasons only known to him.

He is such a great guy, great mate! Totally cracks me up whenever I'm Down, Supports me when I'm falling apart and encourages me when I feel like quitting! He really is a star!

I hadn't chatted with him for a week or two, and the poking war had begun to diminish, I figured I'd start one with him. Only for entertainment value - & for the fact that you can know someone's still alive and kicking when they don't upgrade their Facebook status. (I truly believe there is so much more to be said for the facebook poke - its truly marvelous!!)

A day or two later I was checking out Super Poke on Facebook - so much more to do than just poke! I decided to throw a sheep @ the star, but when I went looking for him in my friends list, but he wasn't there!

I was scared for a second. Had the star fallen from the sky? Did I forget to make a wish as he shot across the sky on his way into social networking oblivion?

So I searched for him on Facebook, Found him easily (he really is a one of a kind. If I ever find another person with his name . . .well I will buy a lottery ticket!!!) There he was, the sweet pic of him and wife to be, there was the box saying mutual friends. But He was no longer my friend!!!

What had I done? I know I failed to answer him via Facebook chat, he called me a whore, If I had been at my computer I wouldve responded with slut, But this missed message was weeks ago. Pre Poke!

Hit friend request, added message - " De-friended me huh? Pfftttt!!

A day later my news feed showed The Star and Violet Goodwin are now friends.

Then get the message saying I mustv'e defriended him, Pffft! again.

Then the answer, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me. . . I wouldn't call it de-friending, I'd call it drunken wife to be logging in as me.

Panic ensued, far greater panic than when I discovered I as de-friended. And a heavy dose of fear. I have lost many a male mate through marriage. I think I will still boy Mrs star to be a nice fancy set of cuttlery, I just won't mention he stabbed me, or that for one summer we swapped saliva!

Not really much point to this story, It's not funny or insightful. Perhaps in time I will edit it so it will be. I kind of lost my steam thinking of some really great, special and close male friends I have lost to marriage.

As an asside On Facebook you have friends, whilst on Twitter you are either a follower of someone or they are following you. I guess "un-follow" Might make the list for 2010!

mm the conversation with a possibly nosy wife could be another good or boring story to tell. The one that I felt sure was this mates wife questioning a discussion we had had online that later got tagged "naughty!" I am not a man stealer and am always overjoyed when my mates find love. I just wish their loves could be secure enough to not be jealous of a female friend.

Vic - Time

2010-02-04T10:10:00.000+11:00

Being A Victim has a Time Limit! Only you can control how long you remain the victim.

There is an expiration date on being a victim of your past!

A villain will always be a villain, but you don't have to stay their victim!

Drugs . . . and learning Math

2010-02-03T13:42:00.001+11:00

Theres a funny thing about Illegal drugs . . Despite all of the incredibly negative effects they have on individuals and society as a whole, I saw this image on another website . . . And kind of came to the realisation that it sadly is true!!

I personally found the image posted @ It's Monopoly Money - And find an odd irony in the fact the image is titled 'Medicinal Marijuana' , I suppose the reason for the irony is that people buying weed in Australia get to learn the imperial system of ounces, quarter ounces and if you are into it enough pounds, despite the fact Australia is 100% Metrc.

I have unfortunately had the displeasure of knowing a high number of drug users in the past. Even with a low IQ and often without a full high school education, the majority can do some pretty quick and odd calculations on the fly!

EG: 1ml Of Methadone Syrup contains 5mg of the drug, 1ml =$2.50 or $0.50c per mg. Throw either measure of 'mils' (both milliliters & milligrams are pronounced the same!!) at a person interested in buying or selling their Take Aay doses of Methadone and they will Immediately throw a figure back at you. Often before I could ever work out which kind of 'mils' either person was talking about!!

Buyer: "How many mils you got left"
me: thinking milligrams or milliliters?
Seller: "75"
Buyer: Doesn't get the chance to ask how much
Seller: " $37.50 thanks"
me: "thinking milligrams or milliliters?
Buyer: hands over $50
Seller: hand over said bottle o 'done' along with $12.50 change.
Both parties are long gone before I even work out what they were saying!!

Irony: It took me longer to work out the ratio's etc for this interaction than it took to type it!!

So if you are worried your being overcharged on your phone bill - find a drug addict to check it for you, apparently they are great @ math.

Sadly despite many varied methods I even FAIL epically when it comes to taking drugs - which I guess is EPIC WIN,

I just wonder if people discriminate against those who use medicinal marijuana in the same way they do against those who are prescribed the drug 'Physeptone' aka Methadone for long term intense pain. I guess I'll never know.

Fading Memories - - - & Revenge!!

2010-02-02T14:05:00.001+11:00

I... I do not remember your love, Ellesime. I have tried to. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory. But it is gone... a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. I look upon you and I feel nothing. I remember nothing but you turning your back on me. Now I hunger only for revenge. And... I... Will... HAVE IT!!

Source:// http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Baldur%27s_Gate_series

Just seems kind of pertinent in regards to a special something - > for G <3 u - revenge is a dish best served stone cold, and ill help you prepare it when the time comes chicka

But it does also reflect the way I am feeling - minus the revenge. Eventually I will take the time to visit all of my draft posts regarding how a whole bunch of facebook poke's healed my heart. Sounds Insane I know . . . but I am. . .

Someone came into my world for just a moment, but they left behind a light. A light which has illuminated the darkened caverns of my psyche, soul and heart. And given me more insight into

And for this, as well as for things they once did without ever knowing it - I am eternally greatfull. Wishing them nothing but the perfect happiness they deserve. (even if they don't believe it)

That Summer

2010-01-28T13:49:00.001+11:00

I want to live like we did that summer.

This song is constantly playing on one of the lifestle chanels at the moment. Every single time I hear it I remember my amazing Summer Romance. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. Which is pretty sad. . . as it was the summer of 92-93!

He was (& still is) the most amazing guy. He treated me like a queen. Boosted my self-esteem no end - something he still does! All the other girls wanted to be with him - he was soooooo hot! He was almost my ticket to cool lol.

I could write a million things about him, but never really get to the core of why he is such a special person, but I think the reason he was the best boyfriend I ever had is because he never hurt me. We never broke up, he never cheated on me or anything like that. He was a total flirt (& will always be) yet not in a way that ever made me jealous. It was just one of those perfect, innocent summer romances - one that lasted until the leaves started to loose their color and simply fell from the trees.

Actually he did hurt me once. He stabbed me in the back! He was playing with a fork and bent the tines to odd angles, once he grew bored of it he just left it outside lying on the ground near where we were sitting having a smoke.

I got a letter from my mum and went back outside to have a smoke whilst I read it. I sat on the ground, then laid down. Right on the upward facing tines of the fork!! I cried, he held me close to his chest and kissed my face, wiping away my tears. He really did treat me like absolute royalty.

Even now - 17years later I still love him. I love him dearly. But in the 17 years the love has evolved, I love him like a brother - yeah it seems incestuous, but I can't explain it any better than that. He is now a good mate, one that I know I could call on day or night if ever I needed him, I hope he knows the same goes for him.

He's getting married next year, and I'm going to definitely buy him and his wife a set of fancy cutlery, all in the hopes that she'll leave one with bent tines in the bed - & pay the cheeky bastard back. I just hope that un-like other male friends, that marriage won't mean an end to our friendship.

One day I will write our story - properly. I've written it before, It's a beautiful story despite some of the events being filled with extreme tragedy. Perhaps its the tradgedy that makes it so beautiful. two kids whose lives look so bad that there appears to be nowhere to go - but in each other they find the answers. It was all very romantic, No wonder no one has ever been able to measure up. Not even the one where I had a crush on someone for a million years and finally got to taste the honey!

Josh Pyke
Summer
If I could bottle up the sea breeze I would take it over to your house
And pour it loose through your garden
So the hinges on your windows would rust and colour
Like the boats pulled up on the sand for the summer
And your sweet clean clothes would go stiff on the line
And there’d be sand in your pockets and nothing on your mind

But every year it gets a little bit harder
To get back to the feeling of when we were fifteen
And we could jump in the river upstream
And let the current carry us to the beginning where
The river met the sea again
And all our days were a sun-drenched haze
While the salt spray crusted on the window panes

We should be living like we lived that summer
I wanna live like we live in the summer

And I’ll remember that summer as the right one
The storms made the pavement steamlike a kettle
And our first goodbye always seemed like hours
In the car park in between my house and yours
And if the summer holds a song we might sing forever
Then the winter holds a bite we’d never felt before

But time is like the ocean
You can only hold a little in your hands
So swim before we’re broken
Before our bones become
Black coral on the sand

no title

2010-01-28T13:35:00.000+11:00

I have been where others eyes have never seen
Its colder here and tragic too
for those who try so hard
simply to love you

Witness to a FAIL

2010-01-25T06:03:00.001+11:00

Still haven't slept - maybe if I stopped looking at FAIL sites I might get over the insomnia!

Anyway, trawling through the hilarity @ failbooking.com, decided to follow them via facebook.

First post I get from them in my news Feed - It's a DOUBLE FAIL & I got to witness it all.

don't whinge cause I put your real name on here, I have like 1 reader - me, failbookig has over 100k

& thanks 4 the laugh joshua - just hope they publish ir! Then I can send my non existant friends to witness the fail I witnessed & reported - yes, my brain turns to goo without sleep, and oddly I feel like I pwn joshua & It feels cool :P

EDIT: well it made its way somewhere - wonder if it will go anywhere else http://cheezburger.com/View.aspx?aid=3107346176

Not Insane - It's Pulling teeth

2010-01-25T05:09:00.000+11:00

A while ago I posted some photos of my leg covered in graffiti - Gosh I LOVE <3 <3 <3 my sharpie lol

I'd written what I was sure were lyrics to a Green Day song - "I declare that my love is true"

I was so definate about it as everytime I read the words in my head I could hear the tune. I also knew it was the last line of the song, and I was pretty sure it was off of Dookie.

Well I was Right - but I was Wrong. . .

It goes ""Just keep saying my LOVE is TRUE""

Well @ least I know I'm not totally psycho - ad the title is ironic, but in a 'you had to be there' kind of way.

And I was SOOoooooo wrong when I thought the 69 looking symbol was 4 Pisces, and the two arcs were Cancer. hmmm been so wrong, have had them mixed up since I last dated a cancer lol. Theres an awful lot more behind the symbols - but oly I know what it all means

**I also ALWAYS 4get how to spell Pisces

Ad despite drinking alcohol, not drinking coke, taking a valium and other things to help me sleep - Ive got the worst type of insomnia - the one where I fall asleep @ 9 or 10 only to wake up an hour later unable to sleep - I'm seriously close to some kind of homicidal suicidal like outbursts - jk, but seriously!

Coke = Happiness

2010-01-24T13:45:00.002+11:00

Beth's Words of wisdom

2010-01-24T13:30:00.000+11:00

I just wanted to write and I guess share some words of wisdom that I thought were filled with just a pinch of insight into the way women think.

I was watching an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter this morning, and was caught of guard at an incredible piece of insight Beth Chapman Shared With us viewers.

They had just successfully hunted and caught a young woman. She was over weight, but not ridiculously so, she had a shaved head, and a big hunting knife in her back pocket!! and she had gotten herself into whatever trouble that led to her capture because she was hanging out with a woman, desperate to get her attention and her heart. The fact that she's gay makes no difference. The woman she had feelings for only wanted her around when she had money, the woman wanted the drugs her money bought, as opposed to the love she could've brought the woman

Beth's Words of Wisdom "you gotta get rid of that chick man. That's the only place you get affection from, and you think that you have to put up with all of that? . . . Can I tell you something, I , everyday I sit at home and I think 'oh my god, I'm so huge', 'oh my god these jeans look so terrible', ' oh my god I'm so big', Every single day.

Every single big woman in Amerca goes through the same thing they go through the same feelings or fears and just want someone to love them.

As soon as you become confident about yourself and you start to love yourself again. . . you have to start taking control of you."

"Women that feel they have weight problems, they have issues& a lot of times they will stay in a dysfunctional relationship because they are afraid they wont ever find somebody else that love's them.

They don't feel that they are worthy of love. & I think that's all she's looking for."

I think in this case Beth speaks for all women who are over weight, or have some other form of insecurity (yeah, skiny bitches feel insecure too). It's easier to stay in a screwed up situation tha to face our fear of being alone and unloved.

I must say that although I kind of love that dog and crew really do have hearts, I hate the way they flip from abusive and angry to loving and heartfelt, praising god! Kind of hypocritcal cosidering Beth was taking the lords name in vain. - note, I don't believe in god, I just like pointing out the hypocricy of religions and its followers -

ggggg

2010-01-23T16:57:00.002+11:00

Another Poke

2010-01-21T19:17:00.010+11:00

It has been a very long 10 days. . . It has at times been agonizing.

But finally, I got that magic poke.

The poke I had been longing for, - no matter how pathetic that is,
I'm almost proud to admit I'm pathetic, because It is the truth.

I even got a little more than a fb poke.

I got a sweet, short & succinct fb msg reply.

And just that alone, well it made my heart beat faster, it put the bright sunbeam quality back into the smile I had lost.

No matter how tiny, no matter how pathetic, I will always choose hope over doubt.

Even if my funny (well I thought it was funny) txt msg didn't warrant a reply.

I will cling to my hope and hold tight my dreams . . . for "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry"

I know the quote is about everything going wrong - this is exactly why I cling to hopes and dreams - the theme of Steinbeck's story, For everything has gone awry, but I still may just come out of it alive, and be all the better for it.

For It is in our dreams that we find comfort when there is no other comfort to be found
Text quoted is from "Of Mice & Men" by John Steinbeck, which was originally written in a poem called "To a Mouse" by Robert Burns All other text plus the image are all mine lol

Life's Little Lessons

2010-01-21T18:24:00.000+11:00

Some of the little things are often the most important. They are also often the funniest, or most embarrassing - some are both haha!

If you 'accidently' put your cigarette out on your face - u probably should quit smoking.
Also - If you have ever burnt a hole in a blanket or any other form of bedding, you should also consider quitting
AND - - > If you have "blankets acne'd with cigarette burns" - you definately quit smoking - or @ least quit smoking in bed
But - If you have actually caused a fire, one with flames and tons of smoke. . . one that sets off the fire alarms - then don't bother with quitting . . . u will die soon anyway

If you are someone who works with images on a computer screen and you spend an hour trying to figure out why you can't get rid of that nasty dark speck. Only to realise its a piece of cigarette ash stuck to the screen. Either quit smoking. . . or your job. maybe both :P oh & clean the computer screen!!

If you are going to fail to tie up your shoe laces & risk the possibility over stumbling over your own feet, then falling over and make a fool out of yourself, ensure that you are already wearing underwear. Otherwise It just turns up the embarassment factor by 1,000.

If you are sending a sexually explicit text message to someone, double check who you are sending it to. It can cause not only extreme embarassment, but can also lead to untold misery if you send it to an ex, or even a friend of an ex!!!

If you r taking part in some kind of sexual text to & fro, don't leave your phone unguarded - this is even more important when u r with friends who r teasing you for your huge smile along with the fact that you r constantly typing txt's & even kissing your phone!!!!

If you move house, label boxes properly & unpack in a timely manner. If you loose something as essential as a toaster - don't put replacing it off for months, because you will find the original one as soon as you get home with the new one!! (I lost and FOUND my toaster after waiting 10 months to buy a new one! - also lost the cutlery and the christmas tree, am still to find them.)

If your on your way to meet a guy at their place, but they ask you to call 5 minutes before you get there, and again before you arrive there - be suspicious. be very suspicious. (even if it is just a booty call!) as you may walk in to find that they have had their male flatmate (one of your best mates!!), hog tie ( wrists together behind their back, ankles too, then tie the wrists and ankles together in one big happy knotted up package arghhh!) them whilst they r butt naked in a room lit with candles. Especially if they thought it would be kinky and fun, It's god damn fucking embarassing - especially when everyone knows this has been done - & for your viewing pleasure they have also had your mate take a photo of them all tied up. (I still have that photo & have never looked at thick white rope the same since)

If you are having booty calls or any kind of "non exclusive" sex, check for video camera's. You may end up on you tube (even if it happened well before you tube was thought up) wether you r famous or not. If you find out you have been taped, hold onto that hog tied photo to use as blackmail should any video of you end up on youtube, or probably red tube!

If for whatever reason you use your child's PS3 to watch porn whilst they r on a sleepover - don't forget to take it out!!!
Also -> Always remember to put away your toys!!

If you are stupid enough to have your parent, child ex partner etc as a friend on facebook, beware of what you say. Definitely don't even hint to their being a new partner if your child doesn't yet know their parents aren't together anymore. (I guess it also applies if your partner doesn't realise you r no longer together either lol) And I'm not just talking about status updates people, don't even leave a mere hint on some odd fan page discussion board.

If you haven't already figured it out, these are just a few of the lessons my life has taught me - except for the fire in bed, that was my husband!! And the facebook one - well I averted disaster by de-friending my child from the person who's 'wall' such a hint was discussed on.

I think I will add to this list as i recall or experience new lessons.

I believe I will soon start to learn about being succinct & how to edit blog entries before I post them!

F*cking in Brooklyn

2010-01-21T14:04:00.014+11:00

Sex and the City is now an internationally renowned TV-series and movie, set in the New York Dating scene, it circles around journalist Carrie Bradshaw and her eclectic clan of gal pals, whose adventures she writes about in her newspaper column. And although fashion has woven its way through both the warp and the weft Sex and the City, It's true fabric is sex and relationships.

It began with New York journalist Candace Bushnell. Bushnell wrote a regular column for the new york city observer, that revolved around the lives, relationships and dating experiences of Bushnell and her circle of friends. It was these columns which led to the original book - Sex in the City, an Anthology of her column. In turn the book led to the TV series, In which the central character is fashioned after Bushnell herself - Carrie Bradshaw is a writer, columnist, fashionista, and girl in the know when it comes to all things sexy in the city. Accompanied by her group of close friends, they collectively experience and discuss a plethora of dating & relationship issues.

I can't say that I'm a big fan (pun well and truly intended) of Sex in the City, yet the series & the pearls of wisdom it contains within are still of interest to me. Especially when on the very odd occassion, I have found myself somewhat single. However now that I am >3 (greater than 30! lol) rather than <3 [is there less love after 30? - hmm, I plan to find out] I find myself completely under prepared for travelling upon the vast sea of dating & relationships. I find myself filled with so many questions and queries as to how it all works. Which if I was thin & fashionable & living in new york, sex in the city would be my guidebook. But I'm fat, punk & living in a coastal country town on Australia's vast coast.

I also have a teenage son and still live with his father who -if you have done the math - is my ex. An ex whom I had been with from age 16 thru to 30 (not counting a 6 month "break" we had back in 2000/01), thus making me a total n00b when it comes to dating & even relationships. Yes 14+ years of being in a relationship should logically award me some kind of status above n00b, but it isn't being in a relationship I'm having trouble with, it's the getting into a relationship part I can't quite wrap my head around.

I know what I want (I think!), I know who I am, what I like, what my needs are and have got my whole side of things under control. What I do not know is how do men work? What makes them tick? Will they lie & say I love you just to get laid? (which when I asked my best male confidante - who's also an x, - he said F*^* Yeah!!! immediately) , What are the rules to meeting with and dating people you have met online? and do guys have any respect or feelings for a booty call? and how is a booty call different to a friend with benefits? I know my answers to these questions, but It's the male perspective I'm interested in.

I want a masculine version of sex in the city. One where men openly & frankly discuss their feelings, motivations, actions and excursions into the dating world. I need a Jack Bradshaw, along with his mates, Charles, Sam & Andy (sorry - that's the closest I could get to Miranda for a guy, if u have better please do suggest onet). I want to know about what they think of and discuss pre & post date. Do they find themselves more drawn into a relationship with a woman if they don't have sex after a first date.

Does such a Jack even exist? A man willing to share with us women the male perspective on all things love, sex and relationships?

Well - I think such a Jack does exist.

Funnily enough his name is Jack. He writes about love, sex and relationships, in this decades form of a newspaper column - his blog!I think Jack from Brooklyn is the new Candace Bushnell.

I am so glad to be able to introduce you to F*cking in Brooklyn, - Love as a Life or Death Experience!!

It's Sex in the City, except that it's written by a man, and his adventures are based in Brooklyn, rather than Manhattan. It's exactly what the Doctor ordered. It is witty and well written, it is cheeky & charming, Forth right and down to earth. If only Brooklyn wasn't so far from Australia!:P

I'm hoping eventually Jack's blog will lead to his own book and TV series, so that all us crazy women can start to get an understanding of just how guys tick!!!

So what are you still doing here - go, . . get lost, . . go & get F*cking in Brooklyn. Trust me girls, it's so much fun!!!

P.S I also need to get some form of conversion calculator to work out all the things that have changed since I was last free and single. I embarrassingly had to ask my younger 18yr old friend what she was talking about when she said STI's, even sexually transmitted diseases have changed since my first time round. But I'm working on it!

Love leaves you bleeding

2010-01-20T15:37:00.000+11:00

If you haven't heard of gibran - google him.

If your hurt by love google gibran on love - & whilst your at it gibran on joy and sorrow

It's really good shit - the more we hurt, agonise and experience true pain, the greater we appreciate, comfort, love & pleasure.

Right now - today for some reason I just want to throw my fist through a wall, down a bottle of valium and chase it with a bottle of tequila. After which I'd probably actually eat the worm (despite its inherit grotesqueness) then stumble half naked to the beach and try to swim to L.A. Sadly I can't even successfully go on a stupid bender - stupid bloody logical brain!

I want to scream. I want to scream so loud they hear it on mars. I want to shatter the windows, so that people can see inside, see how much I'm hurting (wether its me hurting me or someone else is still up for debate - but I fall on the me side), so that maybe a little of the hurt and injury can evapourate.

The first time round, it was painful. It burnt deep into my soul, like a branding iron a farmer uses to lay claim to his cattle, your name was burnt into my soul oh so long ago. And unlike other scars, burns never go away.

Sure I forgot about you, the marks I carved into my thigh faded, but your name remained branded on my soul.

The brand shouldv'e reminded me of the pain, a sign to say don't do that again, you only just escaped the first time round. Why didn't I pay heed to any of the warning signs my heart, body, spirit and soul were flooding my head. Why did I let you in. Why did I give you the power to hurt me again.

Because I found you with the soul purpose of hurting you & causing you some severe pain -despite me thinking you're immune to pain, I think that Karma is teaching me a lessson.

I just want to know what happenned, why did the silence start? and maybe you could tell me what I did wrong so ashelp me to never make the same mistake again. Or you could just make me hate you so that I can spit on your memory and walk away with my head hed high. . .

. . . Because this is just agonisingly painful, trying to guess as to what happenned after we got over that first speed hump.

I'm actually really stupid, because there is no way on earth 'we' could work, unless it was a casual hook up thing (which to be honest - I'd be pretty happy with). Theres to much hidden in our shadows to let our lights shine into each others darkness.

If only love left you bleeding . . . then maybe. . . you could get something to help with the pain that is loves aftermath.

where?

2010-01-17T23:20:00.001+11:00

U made me -> Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

But now . . .

I numquam' ubi sub ubi

guess u gotta know latin

An Unrequited Love

2010-01-17T21:36:00.001+11:00

I Love Sleep.

Why Doesn't Sleep Love Me?

Backstage Whore

2010-01-17T18:24:00.000+11:00

I've been blessed @ certain times in my life.

For a few years I got to tour with some of the coolest bands in the country, and some of the biggest bands in the world. Jet = relatively small but really cool, Rolling Stones = big, & VERY fuckin' pretentious, and although it was cool to see them and eat with their gold cutlery, they were not cool!

I have a collection of "Acess All Areas" passes - aka laminates, that is so big I can't wear them all @ once. I have tour books that are signed, probably worth a bit on eBay. But the cool factor of these tour schedules is limited by time - for they include the bands itineraries whilst they are in the country. Not just when & where the concerts are, but which hotel they are staying at, when they will be here or there and all the flights they will be catching. I probably couldv'e made a mint selling the info - but to be honest that would be completely against my morals.

I wasn't just lucky to get backstage. I didn't win a lottery, nor did I have any professional reason for me to be backstage. I'm not a photographer, journalist, security guard or even a dishwasher @ venues.

So How did I get such access to such great bands????? Why Is this Post called Backstage Whore??????

Because I swapped Sex for laminates. . .

I'm neither a groupie, nor am I really a whore (but I guess that depends on your opinion) but I've had sex backstage @many shows.

I didn't have sex at every show (but I did @ most lol), I didn't screw a bunch of strangers, weirdo's creeps or ugly fat dudes. I simply had sex with my husband - a man I loved with every fibre of my being @ the time. See It's not about what you know - but who you know lol!

AND . . whilst I'm on the subject, if you mix sex with something else that you are passionate about, or that turns you on - which for me is loud live music - the sex is simply exhilarating. Especially if doing it in public floats your boat. Backstage sex, where the bass is so loud the hairs on your arms stand up and move in time with the beat, In my opinion, Just can't be beat.

But despite how amazing all those experiences were, they also kind of ruined concerts for me. I no longer feel the excitement or enjoyment of watching bands live. Never again could I sit in a seat to watch the show . . . Now I no longer feel satisfied unless I'm @ least on the fence. It's like having sex without the orgasm.

Headwires

2010-01-17T17:28:00.000+11:00

I'm filled with turmoil, with you all tangled up in my headwires. I can't quite think straight

I remembered you for all those years,
It's going to take a while to release the tears
all memories should fade in time
I hope to foget when u were mine.

Was it something you did deliberately? or just a cruel twist caused by fate?

"Have you been headwired
Were you satisfied
Did it free the feelings in your spine
Sleeping way inside all this time
Will you meet your mind where the night collides
Will you greet yourself when the sun arrives
I'll just stay behind, I've met mine
Better than a bullet being fired
Tangled in your headwires now
Better than a bullet being fired
Tangled in your headwires
Headwires now
Help you feed the wires when your head unwinds
And if our headlines become entwined
You can have all mine, I'll be fine
There's a reason why keeping me alive
There's a cure in me that I wish were mine
As long as I can fight, I'll survive
Tangled in your headwires now
Better than a bullet being fired
Tangled in your headwires
Stationed on the wire, one day I'll let go
Tell them all hello
Tell them all hello
Stationed on the wire, one day I'll let go
Tell them all hello
Tell them all hello
The sun is on Arlandria
The sun is on Arlandria, headwires
The sun is on Arlandria
The sun is on Arlandria, headwires"

headwires - foo fighters

Heartbreak is pathetic. Unrequited love even more so.
Only one way to heal - & that is to walk through it.
These posts aren't here to make sense to all - just a way for me to release what I need to let go of.
A guy that I always thought looked like Dave Grohl, a guy that kissed me when this song played - a guy I couldve continued to love had I not fucked it all up.

I now realise why i stayed stuck in my liquid handcuffs without fighting to free myself for so very long - because reality hurts too much to cope with.

BUT - @ the end of the day, despite the pain. I learned a lot - mostly positive, but one definate negative - I'm stuck here - no longer hand cuffed, but still imprisoned by misery.

3 Weeks in November

2010-01-16T21:29:00.008+11:00

For 3 weeks in November I never let my mobile phone out of my sight.
For 3 weeks in November I slept with my phone under my pillow. Everytime I got a text message my heart skipped a beat.
For 3 weeks in November - You were Mine

Muse

2010-01-16T21:27:00.001+11:00

My muse

Most artists and creative types have a muse, one who inspires them to create their art, no matter what form their art is.

Edie Sedgwick is almost the Ultimate muse - Along with Campbell's Tomatoe soup She inspired Andy WarholI - I believe she also inspired Bob Dylan

I guess Frances Farmer was Kurt Cobain's muse to some extent - as I guess he is mine. Most people I know would think he would be my ultimate muse, he is my lyrical muse, a fellow tortured soul, & just someone I relate to in many weird and completely insane ways . . . I'm now officially seperated from Kurt Cobain by 2 degrees of seperation - more on that some other time.

Normally my art is inspired by events in my life, my emotions, and most often by music, lyrics and poetry. I was once told I had a Lyrical Soul, I truly believe this is true. But in all of my life I have never had one true muse.

I think I have found my own visual muse. She is beautiful, both outside and within. She is funny, caring, light hearted and deep @ the same time & is yet to take a bad photo. I see her day to day snapshots and envision works of art. I could write pages about her. She inspires me to the nth degree.

It has taken me a few months to digest that this person is my muse. At first it was an instant friendship, One that felt like your favourite comfy pyjama's. It felt like I had known her before, in a past life perhaps. At first I didn't quite realise why I felt such a strong magnetic like pull towards her. I even thought I had a crush on her (I'm 100% hetro, BUT I do strongly believe that when it comes to love gender doesn't necisarily blind our hearts), something I wasn't comfortable with - not because i'm homophobic - completely the opposite, but because she is so much younger than I am. She is a mere teenager. However over time I have gradually realised this feeling of love, appreciation & inspiration I'm feeling is because she is my muse.

I just don't have the courage to tell her yet.

P.S - this, like most of my posts, is un edited and raw. One day I will come back and give it some polish and finesse, but for now I just wanted to get it out, write it down.

-> what is a muse? Not even sure I can explain it - so check out muse @ wikipedia

Creations with Gimp

2010-01-16T05:17:00.000+11:00

I finally decided I should check out the free image editing program Gimp. So I downloaded it, found some cool looking tutorials and got to grips with the program.

Boy does it do a LOT for a completely FREE program. Of course it doesn't equal photoshop, but it still has some impressive firepower for those interested in image manipulation & graphics creation, but don't want to pay $1,000+ for the latest photoshop.

If you want to have a go -> Download Gimp & have a go with Gimp Tutorials. - just head to google to find even more.

I've tried out Abstract Wave Effect & Creating Liquid Fire - see the examples below:

Hurt by Pain

2010-01-16T01:03:00.000+11:00

Pain fades, but Hurt is forever.

It is easy to forgive, much harder to forget, no matter how many years have passed, no matter how much the memory may fade as it sits in the "stacks" , It still exists and always will. But your perspective changes with time.

Such is the famous cliche ". . .in time, this to shall pass"

Time is the greatest healer of all.

I had healed, but I had not forgotten. Yet the memory had become so faded and frail, to the point where I overlooked it entirely and jumped in wth both feet, my eyes wide shut, just to het hurt again, only this time much worse.

Love Yourself

2010-01-15T22:50:00.000+11:00

Sui ipsius amor maximus est amor

the greatest love is the love of oneself

Silently Screaming

2010-01-15T22:48:00.003+11:00

Im Screaming,
Screaming within the silence
Silence that is drowning me.

Silently Screaming,
Muted Pain
Unheard agony

Hiding tears
Erasing emotions
Pretending pain doesn;t exist

If I broke the silence
Smashed it with a hammer
And it fell like glass from a window

Would you hear my screaming
See my tears or simply
Recognize the waves of emotion crashing into my soul

You hear the window shatter
Watch the broken glass fall
But see and hear nothing more

you are deaf to my screaming
blind to my agony
and don't even know i'm there

Beyond the thick velvet curtain
deep within the darkness
hidden from sight I silently scream

he

2010-01-15T05:28:00.000+11:00

He sits alone in the basement, on an old well worn bed, strumming his beat up guitar. He only knows 5 chords, but he just makes up all the rest.
He pausses, the dark. dank room floods with silence. No one else is home, but still, he stays hidden down in the basement.
Concrete walls & an unfinished floor. Colorless and bland.
He tosses his head, throwing his long dark hair out of his eyes & starts to play again.
His amp is distorted, the notes echoing in his self imposed cement cell.

Insomnia

2010-01-14T18:27:00.003+11:00

Insomnia

Lack of sleep,
Lack of slumber.
Take me out,
Take me under

Insomnia font available @ DaFont

ASCII Text Art

2010-01-13T20:13:00.003+11:00

After finding some cool ASCII art for my previous POST -> More Than One Way To Poke On Facebook I spent a little time checking out various other cool ASCII text art, and have been impressed with not just some of the pieces of Art that people have created, But even more so by the various tools available to create your own ASCII text art from your own images.

As an image whore - these websites excite me no end.

So here they are - all using my original image above (i'm only violet by name - sorry!) they all give a slightly different outcome. N.B. found it easier to just use screen caps rather than the actual html or pure text due to issues with blogger.

http://picascii.com

Both color and black & white outputs are available. Also both colored html or pure text outputs available

ASCII- O-MATIC
This one I found a bit tricky. It will only work if your image is edited to 60x50px. Although the output is in color (B&W also an option) It Isn't great color,

http://www.text-image.com

My personal favourite so far. Color is only one option, others include B&W & Matrix as shown below.
This site also offers a number of different options, much more than the others

I also found Photo2Text but sadly it kept spitting out php script errors @ me - but from what I have read, it's possibly best of the free online image to text services.

Theres probably a whole bunch more - just google 'convert image to text' or 'convert image to ascii' you will find heaps of them.

More than one way to Poke

2010-01-13T18:38:00.003+11:00

There is more than one way to poke a friend or loved one on Facebook.

After my last post -> Poke

I've found an absolute multitude of 'things' about the ambiguous facebook poke.

Including an article about a Facebook "poke" leading to an akward one night stand
(just realised my woe & pain & interest in the facebook poke is the result of an akward one night stand - god I am dumb)

Then I found cool ASCII art that you can poke people with. - lets see if I can get it to work on here??

………….POKE
…………______
…………/……..\
………../……….\
………..|………..|
………..|………..|
………..|………..|._____.._____.
………..|………..||…….|.|…….|.._____.
………..|………..||…….|.|…….|.|…….|
………..|…………|..___|_|_____|.|……..|
………..|…………/…………….___.\..__..|
………..|………./………………|__|.|.|_|..|
………..|……./…………_________/.\.__./
………..|…./……………/……………….|
………..|../……………/…………………|
………..|/………………)………………./
………..|………………..)……………./
………..\…………………)…………../
…………\……………………………./
………….\…………………………./
……………\………………………/
……………|……………………..|

And Another

War::::::War
War:::::::War
War:::::::War
War:::::::War
War::::::War
War War War
War
War
War
War
::::WarWar
::War::::War
War:::::::War
War:::::::War
War:::::::War
War:::::::War
War:::::::War
War:::::::War
War:::::::War
::War:::War
::::WarWar
War:::::::War
War::::::War
War:::::War
War::::War
War::War
Wa:r:War
War:::War
War::::War
War:::::War
War::::::War
War:::::::War
WarWarWarWarWar
WarWarWarWarWar
War
War
WarWarWar
WarWarWar
War
War
WarWarWarWarWar
WarWarWarWarWar

And an alternate that uses the word poke to create a mega poke image

If by chance someone read this - and knows of other cool articles,art or whatever related to the Facebook Poke, please let me know so I can add it in

p.s still no return poke.

Poke

2010-01-11T18:12:00.003+11:00

U poke me, I poke U.

I text U, U text me ? ? ?

I have an idea for a theory or a post revolving around the ways communication has changed over the past decade. My generation has seen such huge changes when it comes to communication. When I was a teenager I didn't have a mobile phone - they weren't out yet (got my first @21) no one knew what the internet was, and social networking was code for a swinger's style party!!

Another is about love in the digital age, an anecdote of a relationship that started in person, was followed by a letter. Then fast forward to this century, so many communication tools - all used in earnest, until the wheels fell off, the text messages stopped, emails went unanswered, eventually nothing

Radio silence . . .

then came the facebook pokes.
Can a relationship be resurected in the digital age.
One where a heart flutters to life because someone else took 2 seconds to hit the poke back link, saw your photo for a second, then clicked again to send it through.
Such a tiny act, yet its feels so good.

Stay tuned as we see how the poke back communication goes.

If I had any readers, I'd put up a poll to get feedback as to wether or not the above text should be sent lol - pathetic comunication in the digital age . . .

One more poke, then the text will get sent.

P.S - the paranoid part of my mind fears he may have read this - for today he popped up in my feed without re-poking me. Get with it girl and let go of the false hope, start falling already. The sooner you fall, the sooner you hit the ground, the sooner you start to heal and eventually feel better. Jan 12 2009

EDIT: Found this link to an artcle in the "Zen of the Facebook Poke" just figured it kind of fitted with this post

touched

2010-01-11T14:12:00.003+11:00

I looked into your eyes and saw a world that does not exist

I looked into your eyes and saw a world I wish I was in

Perfection, loosing track of time.

2010-01-10T19:59:00.001+11:00

When staring up @ perfection I often loose track of time. I found it worked in my favor for it made one moment feel like an hour.
The scar under your chin is perfection.
Your thumb, silently stroking my flesh, my forehead, between my eyes. That short fragment of time loops infinitely within my mind.

Whenever I think of you I loose track of time.
Even more so when I remember when you were mine.

Playground Punk

2010-01-10T19:52:00.001+11:00

the non-relationship

2010-01-10T19:19:00.000+11:00

She thought it was love.
He thought it was love.
But love failed to tell them that love wasn't interested in a relationship with either of them.

Without knowing this they formed a non-relationship bound together by love's doppelganger, lust.

Fire & Ice - A Frost Filled Night

2010-01-10T03:55:00.001+11:00

Yet Again . . .

I battle with Insomnia. I previously mentioned being once called 'one with a lyrical soul'. The beauty of being such is that often I find solace and comfort in words. Others Words, Lyrics, Quotes &Poems express my feelings far better than my own. And because such is true, another poem to share (with u - lol - I suck as a poet)

Robert Frost has been a favourite poet for many years. The imagery transcends through the illustrative speech, filled with meanings to devour and discover, as time passes further insights become discovered. - yeah I know I suck as a blog writer - but that's probably because I treat this a bit like a diary or journal & simply type the words as they come to me, I never write a rough draft. I just spew posts forth from inside my mind ver batim.

Anyway not my number 1 fave by Frost (which is nothing gold can stay) but I dare say a close 2nd

Fire & Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

& for those obsessive twilight freaks - the ones who actually read the books rather than just watch the movies - yes this poem is quoted at the beginning of Eclipse

Acquainted With The Night

2010-01-10T03:37:00.000+11:00

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
A luminary clock against the sky.

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

Robert Frost

I too am becoming Acquainted with the night,

Many lost wishes thought before the new light,

To be dreaming before the dawn,

It's not only for lost sleep I mourn.

Ok so I should leave the poetry to the poets - Basically I'm still battling Insomnia.

I just can't get no sleep - faithless

SHE - the song, the inspiration

2010-01-09T18:17:00.000+11:00

I was 15 or 16, it was 1995 & I was living in the inner west of the city (Sydney) One of the women who worked @ the refuge i was living in gave me a tape. It was a copy of this new cd by a band called Green Day, it was called Dookie. I loved it. Somewhere I still have that cassette tape. One of my favourite songs on it was called she. . . years later a musician would tell me I have a lyrical soul (i'll x plain that another time), so the lyrics really took me in.

She

She...
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control

[Chorus:]
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you

She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
Waking up this time
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control

[Chorus]
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you

EHHHHHH,AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Chorus]
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you

Four weeks ago I got to see it played live. Sadly my camera had died by that point, but hey that's what you tubes for!!!

Not as good as the view we had, but still great. (we were down against the fence on the left side of the catwalk)

I have never sung this song so loud in my life. Having just had part of my soul torn out by silence, it just seemed like the right thing. And fuck it felt good!!

Just cause I can - heres a cool part of the concert taken by someone a few feet to our left in the moshpit.

SHE - the poem & the picture

2010-01-09T18:05:00.000+11:00

I wrote this poem in 1995 - I was 15 or 16, and although a year had passed I was still a bit of a suicidal mess following my own run in with the grim reaper. Anyway a few years ago I created an image inspired by the poem. I just figured i'd put them together.

She

She holds the gun up to her head,
And grasps it with her teeth.
Waiting for that final breath.
For her life to cease.

She pulls the trigger until it’s taught,
Then pulls just a little more.
It’s not as easy as she thought,
Yet her body hits the floor.

Her wound it bleeds as if it were a river,
Flowing from her pain.
Never again will she see the sunshine,
Nor will she feel the rain.

Forever she is gone from here,
No longer feeling bad.
Suicide is always near
When she ends the life she had.

Funnily enough the person I now think of whenever I hear this song also happened to say they liked the original of the photo, before I killed her. * thank god I've gotten better over the past few years - this image is shockingly bad!

Silence can kill.

More Work

2010-01-09T17:32:00.001+11:00

The more tourtured an artists soul is, the more work they produce.

I can't say that the work is any good, but I always quit doing the work that pays the bills & waste my days creating things that have no focused end point whenever I hit some form of emotional turmoil. But even though i do it because there is something inside of me i'm trying to deal with, what I create is rarely a reflection of what's going on inside my head.

If I try to create something for myself, with an end point which I have conceived from my pain, I simply end up frustrated and lost. As in life, my art never turns out exactly the way I want it to. I lack the skills to turn my imagined creation into a reality, no matter what the creation is.

Another un made decision

2010-01-09T17:11:00.001+11:00

Can't decide when it comes to this series either - oh well

Eventually i will find a way to evict the distractions from my head.

Can't Shut Me Up

2010-01-09T17:05:00.001+11:00

Leg Graffiti

2010-01-09T16:55:00.001+11:00

Can't decide which direction to move forward with on this image.

Original Image

Saturated color

Beautiful Nightmares

2010-01-09T15:45:00.000+11:00

Last Night I slept. I slept for longer than I have for months.
I dreamt a dream, a dream longer than any I can recall.
The dream starred the crush of my life. Like most dreams it reflected the issues on my mind at the moment. It also reflected issues that occurred at other points in time when this person's life and my own intersected.
It was a beautiful dream, it was a nightmare, It gave me everything I wish for, then took all of my wishes away and gave them to another person.
My treasures were re-gifted unto another. Strange I thought as the treasure was once hers before it was mine.
Karma is beautiful, Karma is painful & agonizing. Karma is my master, I am her bitch.

My dream left me thinking, asking what does she have that I don't? what will she do that I won't? why can you love her when you don't even remember her name?
I think the answers lay not in questioning another, but reflecting upon my own responses to the questions posed.

Girlfriend & A gun

2010-01-09T15:31:00.001+11:00

After G posted a rather random facebook status that said "A Girlfriend and A Gun" I immediately thought of this photo - one of my favourites in all of the world

This image is copyrighted & owned by Jasmine Hirst - She is both the photographer & th model
http://www.jasminehirst.com

Making Art & Talking to Dead People - Jasmine's blog

The first time I saw this image I fell in love with it. A close friend of Jasmine's gave me a t-shirt for my 16th birthday that had this photo on it. Underneath it said "So Many Men, So Few Bullets". Over the years both me and my 'boyfriend' Craig wore the shirt so much that now, it sits almost threadbare sealed in a zip lock bag, along with my silent prayers that it will remain in one piece lol.

Years later I found this image for a 2nd time. It was on a postcard that was on display in a community health care setting. this time it was accompanied by the words "Shoot Clean" , part of a campaign for IV drug users to do exactly that.
It may have appeared many other places accompanied by other words, yet the words that immediately pop into my head are along the lines of - Amazing Woman - Inspirational - Beautiful.

Pathetic Truth

2010-01-08T04:43:00.002+11:00

It's pathetic - yet it's true
I do miss waking up @ 5.30am
All because of you.

Snuff - It's not enuf

2010-01-03T23:41:00.001+11:00

Yet again I simply cannot sleep. I know I'm not very good when it comes to writing, but I am pretty good at finding a song to express the way I'm feeling.

I feel lost and locked out. I knock on the door and know they are there, yet they refuse to answer - they refuse to fight.
I stand alone and wonder why, consider how, and in self confide what I did that meant we could not survive.

In the end, you can't lose what you never had.

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there

Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don?t deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my hope was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself

And I won?t listen to your shame
You ran away, you?re all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don?t ever let me know

you will never care enough to ever let me know.......

Lyrics to 'Snuff' by Slipknot - written by Crahan, Michael Shawn; Fehn, Chris; Gray, Paul D; Jones, Craig A; Jordison, Nathan J; Root, James Donald; Taylor, Corey; Thomson, Mickael
Source:http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/slipknot/snuff.html

Linkage - Website, Design and Blogging Resources I Love & Use

2010-01-01T09:09:00.001+11:00

http://webtreats.mysitemyway.com - Cool Black Grungy Social Media Icons

2009 - Good Bad Ugly Beautiful

2009-12-31T20:13:00.001+11:00

Most things that happened this year are a mixture of good bad ugly and amazing

The best & worst of 2009 featured;
The never ending move - a month without a place to call home - the logistical nightmare of such & loosing track of half of my belongings -- bad
New life, no more frenemies, living in a beautiful place & escaping the rat race - good

My baby starting high school - good

Turning 30 - scary

Finally getting off methadone : The withdrawals that were so much worse than trainspotting, the never ending muscle cramps and aching bones & having to attend my uncle & aunt's wedding in the first 24hrs of the 'hangging out' all sucked. Waking up to music I'd never heard before, yet instantly knowing it was Lennard Cohen ("give me a lennan cohen afterworld") - & yeah its definately music to slit your wrists to. All Bad

Waking up and seeing that the grass really was greener, the sky bluer and everything no longer being an opioid haze. Not having to run my life around clinic dosing hours, dr appointments & giving scabbies junkies lifts because I can't say no - All Great.

Not being able to take anything stronger than panadol - not too bad
Accidently taking panadiene (cheers zona!!) thinking it was panadol - kinda bad

Finding out just how supportive, loving and caring my friends are - Not surprising - But still Amazing
But all in all the best thing I've done this century.

Sarah, Harrison and Zach - you are all amazing, welcome to the world

Crashing Bec's car - bad
The car having full comprehensive insurance - Great

Getting pulled over on King St Newtown and having all my luggage and belongings dumped on the footpath whilst police searched my car - Worst moment
Finding out they did it because I shared my skanky sister's last name - not surprising but still ugly
Said police not finding what was under the passenger's foot mat (DKY?) - Pretty fucking Lucky (only time I've ever had anything like that in my car & then getting searched - also only time ever = Just another day in my life)

Changing my name - Great, best money I ever spent!!!

Bec & Shan getting engaged - Excellent
Missing the engagement party because I had swine flu - Ugly

Finally facing my fears & going back to Armidale - Great
Seeing such great friends who have been friends thru all my ups & downs for over half my life - the Cherry on top
Returning because my amazing big sista lost her little brother - Really bad
Despite it all the funeral was so lovely, Kris singing - Amazing (love u 4 ever girl)
Loosing my wallett with all my new ID and cards in Armidale - Really bad

Hanging out with old friends online instead of working ( u know who u are! ) - fun, cool & great

Having to get my camera fixed - no good, but lots of bad and ugly

Getting into the course I wanted despite the high demand - good, hopefully it will be great!

Trip to the gong - good bad and ugly

Loosing my clutch as I hit the city @ peak hour - bad
Still managing to get to wollongong - good and bad
The cost to fix the car - ridiculous
Getting to drive the brand new Kluger to Sydney for green day - Super cool
Being on the fence for green day - Extra Cool
Taking Jordi to his first Concert (kelly clarkson doesn't count as a concert) - Super cool
Andy Getting a signed drumstick, Jordi the guitar pick - yet another cherry on top
Managing to find Gabe - unexpected - stupid fancy gps
How Smashed Gabe was - funny

Latitia actually speaking & speaking to me - beautiful
Doing something too embarassing to mention in front of latitia and Gabe - Fucking Funny
16yr old drunk - not cool, but great she learnt her lesson

Possibly the absolute best week of the year - actually definately!

Surviving christmas - ok
Christmas lunch with craig's folks - not so ok

Adding it up and realising that despite the downs (Also known as June July August & September) but there were more highs - Amazing.

2009 you were hard and challenging at times - but completely worth it. - and all the people that were a part of it - thank u all!

Hope you all had a good 2009 and that 2010 is so much better!

Now go Party and enjoy the blue moon - it's a rare event, made even rarer by it bringing in a new year & new decade

Cheers to your hangovers!!

Good + Bad = Joy

2009-12-31T11:36:00.001+11:00

When someone has a positive impact on my life I always remember them. Those who have had a negative impact upon my life I choose to forget.

When I am having fun and feeling great - I thank both groups. Odd huh??

Every Great moment we experience or achieve is a destination we have reached due to the sum of all past moments. The good, the bad and the inbetween.

In the great moments I like to thank those who have tried &/or suceeded in having some negative affect on my life.

For if it were not for every single event in our lives we would not be where we are now. A little bit of ying and yang.

There is also no greater revenge against those who have harmed us than to refuse to allow such harm to matter.

It's also a little about Karmic Balance. If one bad thing happens to you - three good things will at some point follow. To those who caused, or are the bad things - they shall be rewarded with three bad things Happening to them.

So to all those who have hurt and harmed me, those who have wished me i'll will - Thank you.

Today I am happy. If you hadn't had an impact on my life, I may not be as happy as I am.

Looking at the passing of a year, a decade. An opportunity to lay the past to rest and look to the future. A beautiful blank canvas - tabula rasa - awaiting for a masterpiece to be created.

So Fuck you all - I believe you are miserable - whilst I. . . I am filled with joy.

And being happy is the best revenge one can ever have.

Random Facts About me & other crapola

2009-12-30T03:58:00.008+11:00

My name is Violet Goodwin. I've been known as and called other names, but this is my real name. It says it on my new birth certificate.

I love trivia, trivial things and strange co-incidences which I often take as a sign. My son got his name due to a few trivial co-incidences. All of which were cemented when they spoke of someone named 'Andrew Goodwin' on the radio whilst I was in labor, and I think its cool that the first album he ever heard was the last one Kurt Cobain listened to.

I am an absolute Kurt Cobain fanatic, don't think it will ever change. He wrote like no other ever has nor could.

I hate my father with a fire like anger and rage. I wish I could kill him everyday, over & over again! For this reason I changed my name. I took on my mother's maiden name, my beloved nan & pa's name. My true family's name.

Only 1 guy ever stood up to my father for me. Others rescued me, but only one stood up to him. My boyfriend at the time was there. He stayed silent, but this other guy stood up for me and stopped him pounding my head into the ground. I will never forget him.

I no longer shorten the word Christmas, Itry to write it with a capital C - not because I am christian, I don't really believe in structured religions etc, nor do I believe in the bible. I do however believe in my nan who believed in the bible and in Christ. She felt it was in very bad taste to shorten it to four letters, thus removing Christ from Christmas - which whether or not u r religious, is what the holiday is based on.

I regularly send txt messages to the wrong person, or to the right person I send messages I wrote but didnt intend to send.

I've run over my phone with a truck & taken it for a swim, once or twice!

I don't believe in the bible as most of it is hypocricy - next time u hear someone say homosexuality is against the bible please ask them to check the labels on their clothes as the passage that says being gay is wrong also says wearing clothing of mixed materials ie: polyester or even a wool/cotton blend is against god!!

I try to always write NIRVANA in capital letters as that is the way it's meant to be. - the font - (originally named onyx, didn't have a set of lowercase letters, just a smaller version of the uppercase) you can get it at dafont.com

I Always believed that my birthday was incredibly special - not the exact day I was born, but the date : February 20th. Any guy will find himself a special place in my heart if he can work out why it is so special to me. So far one has. But he already had a place in my heart. He was the guy who stood up for me.

Dave Grohl Is THE hottest man alive and the best drummer alive - he comes 2nd after jon bonham. I also think that Taylor Hawkins- the now drummer for foo fighters is also a damn good hard hitter, something I think he learnt from grohl lol

I constantly laugh at myself and my strange ideas - like hawkins learning to hit hard from grohl.

I have numerous really close friends who are all born on May 10th - Along with sid viscious and Krist Novoselic (for the dumb and young he was the bass player and only other original member of NIRVANA)

I don't say I love you unless I mean it.

I often watch tv with the subtitles on. My hearing is shocking and often read people's lips. Its incredibly embarrassing when trying to hear what someone with a strong accent is saying. It comes from too much time spent listening to music far too loudly and not wearing earplugs when I probably should of.

I was kicked out of home when I was 12 after my mum moved in with my now step father. I later lived under my fathers roof for a while, but soon ran away.

I am very careful with saying 'I Promise" as if I say I promise - I will then ensure I do everything possible - & occassionally impossible - to ensure I don't break the promise.

I rarely lie, & will never ever lie (or even say something that could somehow be misconstrued or somehow change and become a lie) if I swear on my son's life or on my nanna's grave.

I Prefer honesty above all else. Find Lies and deceit to be disgusting, ultimately pathetic and completely a waste of time. Man up and be honest, be brutally honest and don't waste people's time.

I truly thought I would die when I was 27 - I guess I wasn't legend enough.

I love Latin

I don't drink brown spirts, only clear ones. Tequilla sunrise's with lots of grenadine and no orange pulp (this was b4 alchopop was invented - but it was my alchopop, its sweet and doesn't taste like alcohol) and lemon/citrus Bacardi breezers.

I got expelled from a catholic girls boarding school.

I smoke - winfield gold to be exact. I smoke far too much.

I have no blood siblings. An older 'foster' sister Kristin - who is my sister in my soul. Both of my biological parents fostered then adopted my younger sister Louise - or loukie, And I had an older foster brother Justin. I loved him more than anything, but he died @ age 15 when I was just 7, he was my world. But my parents don't talk about it EVER and hardly anyone knows I had a brother, not even my cousins. If u know I had a brother before reading this - I love u and trust you more than you will ever know.

When I was 15 I finally left or rather ran away and fled Armidale, moving to Sydney to go to a concert I didn't have a ticket to. I ended up getting to see the band anyway and never looked back.

All of my closest friendships were first formed in Armidale.

I hog the remote control & regularly forget to hang out the washing &/or bring it in off the line.

I loose the remote regularly & think that remotes should have sim cards so you can call them to find them.

I love to jump on the trampoline in the rain

I am a bit of a rev head, have a lead foot and owe money to the SDRO to proove this point! lol And I've been in demolition derbies and LOVED IT!!

I died when I was 15. If you were in my life @ that time u know why, otherwise I don't really discuss the how (so again if u know I must really love & trust you) but there was no white light, and the defribrillator (the electric paddles that re-start your heart) hurt and left bruises.

I fell in love - real love - for the first time when I was 13 and never fell out of love with the guy. We never broke up, he never broke my heart, so I still love him, but more of a brotherly (yes maybe slightly incestuous) love lol

Said boyfriend once stabbed me in the back . . . with a fork . . . by accident. I intend to buy him a set of cuttlery when he finally sets a date for his wedding!

I once shaved my head, Not a number 2 or even a 0, but babies ass bald, with a razor. I missed my hair and still have nightmares about having no hair lol.

I collect Vinyl records. My Favourite was the single "this is a call" by foo fighters. It glowed in the dark. I bought it on my first "date" with my husband.

I kept that record in a vertical record player, It was an incredibly rare record player. My husband Kicked it smashing the record, the record player and put a massive hole in the wall behind it.

This is the only piece of Vinyl I own that has ever gone anywhere near a record player.

I sent my husband to jail opnce, he stayed there a week. He used to be physically abusive, now he just fucks with my head! lol

I use the term husband loosely. we share a child and have lived together for the majority of the past 14/15 years. He is not, nor will he ever be my husband. I just call him that to distinguish him from any boyfriend.

Only ever had two decent boyfriends. Both before I was 16.

My favourite movies are Juno & Mad Love (which starts out with a favourite NIRVANA song lol) & feel that I am a lot like both the main characters. **fun trivia - juno features a short bit of a hole song - so it's in the cobain family lol

I don't take myself seriously. And hope others don't either.

I had a crush on a guy for about 16 years

I am kooky crazy and possibly insane.

I am now only 2 degrees (or is it 3??) of separation from Kurt Cobain - friend (&facebook friend - just to prove I do know her rather than just know of her) photographer Jasmine Hirst is friends with and has worked with Courtney Love's , and she was married to kurt. (duh??)

I am Also One degree seperated from serial killer Aileen Wurnoss (the woman charlize Theron played in the movie 'Monster') also via jasmine.

I have a crush on a girl. I have kissed a girl & I liked it.

I though it was true love when a guy who looked like dave grohl kissed me during a foo fighters song lol Yes i'm romantically ludicrous too

I have 2 tattoo's And 4 piercings, one of which has grown over totally, another which I re-pierce occassionally and then the two boring ones in my ears. I want more.

I have a K on my chest and a pink ribbon on my left arm.

I LOVE my cherry red & black marbled docs. They are a perfect fit for my huge size 10 foot and I got them for $8 at salvo's.

I moved to the Country from Sydney early 2009. It is almost new years and I still haven't finished unpacking.

I lost my toaster in the move. The Christmas tree also dissappeared along with the cutlery.

I bought new cutlery, but still have to get a toaster. There was no tree This Christmas.

I'm scared of sharks . . . . . even in swimming pools. - I'm not kidding

There was a ghost in my last house & I miss him?? or her - but i think it was a he.

I've tried most things once, if I haven't yet I hope to one day - except for sky diving. . . I am stupidly scared of heights.

I've tried most drugs and although some may not believe it I have never ever tried heroin - I swear on my son's life and my nan's grave that I've never tried it.

I get really really bad insomnia & often go without sleep.

Gun's and heroin are two Kurt Cobain things I want nothing to do with. But when I read the book "come as you are" - the original, which was when he was still alive- I underlined the names of drugs such as imodium and physeptone. Both of which I have taken, along with Lithium.

I hate smoking pot. I only ever did it to keep up with everyone else. Peer Pressure Sucks!

I once had my car searched by police - everything in it, which was an awful lot - was pulled out on King Street Newtown during peak hour. They found nothing despite emptying my suitcase onto the footpath & questioning me intently as to why I had a vcr in my boot (my mum gave it to me a month before and I hadn't taken it out yet) and my husband's check book. They failed to find the 3+grams of speed under the back passengers foot mat

I have never since had the stuff let alone taken it.

I've been arrested for driving without a licence. In no way was this related to the search incident. I was later cleared of all charges.

I've had pepper spray burn the crap out of my eyes.

I give blood and have had blood transfusions.

I'm finding writing this list oddly cathartic!

I got pregnant with my son when I was 17, It was neither accidental nor purposeful and told his father he could walk away and I would never ask him for anything.
I now can't get rid of him.

Karma paid me back with 3 days of labour and a 10 and a 1/2 pound baby & mega stretchmarks!

My best friend gave birth 7 hrs after me @ home in the bath tub. Belly to belly the week before you couldn't tell she was pregnant compared to me.

I love scorpio's, Taurean's and cancerians - have trouble getting along with Airies.

I've had my heart broken a couple of times but shredded 3 times by 2 people. Sadly I have also broken more than one heart and feel really bad about it.

I believe that revenge is a dish best served cold, dead stone cold. But given the opportunity for vengance I have held back.

I usually learn from my mistakes and never repeat the same mistake twice.

I admit to watching porn - & now I guess I admit it publicly

It takes a lot to bother me and get under my skin.

I forgive and forget even easier.

I am incredibly open minded, resiliant and down to earth - well when i'm not off with the fairies.

I love typographical tattoo's, the tattoo on Jeffrey Sabella's neck is soooo hot (winner of project runway season 3) It says "Harrison Detroit l’amor de la mia vita." Harrison Detroit being his son's name

I Love written text and typography

I love writing graffiti on my legs with a Sharpie

I want to get a tatto that says " 'Cause the one's who hurt can give so much, you gave me such" - which is lyrics from the red hot chilli peppers song - tearkerker

When I die I don't want to be buried, nor do I want to be cremated. I wish my body could go in an above ground crypt. Not sure why I think she will out live me,

I know my mother would over rule this even if it is my last request.

I want my funeral to be about music - NIRVANA'S D7 - off of their hoarmoaning ep, the hawaiin version of 'somewhere over the rainbow' , 'Violet' by hole and after a recent funeral i think I'd like my 'foster' sista, kris to sing beautiful disaster.

My Favourite poem is 'Nothing Gold Can Stay" By Robert Frost - which was featured in the book 'the outsiders'

My favourite book is probably 'the house tibet' I fell in love with it when I was 15 and pretty much homeless quite like the characters in the book.

I once dislocated my big toe. The top end of my toe was facing the sky.

My mum also died once. A reaction to anaesthetic, she didn't see a white light either.

Both my nan and her mother had the same first name - Myrabelle - but neither liked to be called that. They went by their middle names. My nan was and is known as Norma, her mother Violet. Just like them as well as my mother I'm also known by my second name, but also my first. Sometimes it confuses people - even me lol

My younger sister and all of my female cousins have the same middle name - Elizabeth. My middle name isn't Elizabeth. They aren't known by their middle names!!

I'm named after my nan's mother Myrabelle Violet Robbins.

I am always saying or writing way way tooo much.

Only one person gets away with calling me penny, but if he does it in person i may kick him in the shin!

My nan's grandkids are all girls except for my cousin Josh. I think that this next generation will be all boys - but just one girl. I don't count my sister's daughters as she is a lost cause and already gave the eldest one away and I haven't seen her baby sarah since she was born.

So far we have four boys, Andy, Seb, Harrison and the beautiful newborn Zach.

I think my cousin Bec will have a girl.

My Favourite piece of clothing - is hard to pick. My NIRVANA shirt that has Dante's circles of hell on the front and the back says " FUDGE PACKIN, CRACK SMOKIN,SATAN WORSHIPPIN, MOTHER FUCKER" is #1, It's an original even has the ACME tag, not some post kurt rip off.

My sister is a lost cause. I have loved her and tried to help her. I have had her drag my heart and soul through the dirtiest of gutters. i even had a nervous breakdown over her and made the worst mistake of my life during the massive situation caused when she had her first baby. I would do whatever I could vfor her if she asked, but have had to put her out of my head as it is just too painful to think about. I care more about her than she does for herself. It's fucking heartbreakingly complicated.

Her real name was Jean-Louise Murphy. My mum in her disrespectful way changed it to Louise Elizabeth. Her biological parents died when she was in Kindergarden. It took Docs 6 months to tell my parents. (she was a state ward.)

I could swim before I could walk.

I once worked for the devil - aka GE creditline. I quit because it was sucking the life out of me.

My nan died on April 9th. It wasn't until a year later that I realised I had died on April 9th too.

I find romance in odd things. I found it romantic to wake up @ 5.30am the same time as a guy I once loved. I also thought washing my boyfriends socks was romantic lol - would rather wake up @ 5.30 than wash smelly socks.

I once told my husband that when I got Angry I cleaned . . . so he made me angry. . . so I stopped cleaning . . so he got angry . . . thus he is not my husband (never really was married, just lived together for over 14 yrs)

Of my closest 5 friends we have all in some way "shared" a partner. 1 of them slept with my boyfriend (she had gone out with him for ages b4 I did) because I didnt want to lol - I was 13. The other 4, I slept with their ex boyfriend/girlfriend & in one case a one night stand.

Armidale is an incestuous town. I somehow escaped without catching any kind of std!

I slept with another best friends brother. But I lived with him and he was an actual boyfriend.

I used to be a fire twirler/ fire dancer. I guess I still could do it, but haven't for many years.

I believe I can do pretty much anything a guy can.

I'm a bit of a tom boy but usually wear skirts

I love stripey socks

I love thigh high stockings and socks even more.

I'm glad I accidently on purpose had a baby so young. His dad is also glad. But i don't know if our son is glad.

My most important material possessions are my nans ring (& a few of her other belongings, especially those that smell like her still) my laptop - which was bought out of my nan's estate & my drum head signed by all members of NIRVANA

Unless they r listed above i hate material things and materialism.

I thought my birthday was cursed, in the week after my 7th birthday my brother died, a week after my 8th my pa died.

My best birthday ever was my 14th. My present was my beloved first boyfriend coming back to town that exact day. It was also the first birthday I celebrated knowing the reason why my birth date was so special.

My 15th was 2nd best. Surprise party, which i of course wrecked & little ben giving me his long sleeved led zepplin swan song shirt. Him taking it off and walking around shirtless for the rest of the night was also great!!

Little Ben is my greatest unrequited love.

If you happen to actually read this whole list of crap - Please leave a comment, possibly your name if I know you, or even a random fact I have left out, or a moment we once shared.

Just Words

2009-12-28T19:05:00.000+11:00

Anyone else could speak the exact same words. . . But they wouldn't mean as much as when u said them.

Delicate Slumber

2009-12-28T06:30:00.001+11:00

I grasp at sleep as though it were made of fine gossamer threads, yet no matter how gently I hold it, it always manages to slip ever so delicately and gracefully through my fingers. . .

And yet again I watch the dawn in all its glory rise above the horizon, gradually waking the world from the slumber i so desperately crave.

"I'm so tired I can't sleep, Sit & drink Pennyroyal tea." - Pennyroyal Tea, Kurt Cobain, NIRVANA

none, nun, nothing

2009-12-27T13:09:00.001+11:00

When I was 12 I wanted to become a nun. Not because I felt I had a calling, nor because I loved god. I didn't believe in god.
I was in love with the romantic ideal of the vocation, a desire created by viewing 'brides of christ' (a tv mini series)
I also loved the romantic notion of teenage pregnancy. I had always felt jealous of pregnant girls and the shows storyline only made my love of such a notion grow.
I went to an all girl's catholic boarding school for a short while, (which the show had co-indecently been filmed at) and my desire to be a nun was cured, along with any doubts I had that Christianity was realistic true or believable.
My desire to have a child, or rather be pregnant however only grew with time.As a dumb naive teenager my romantic notions surrounded only pregnancy and small babies, I never considered a toddler, child, teenager etc that are obvious destinations in life after getting pregnant and having a baby.
I was 15 when I first got pregnant. It was in no way romantic. Maybe becoming a nun would've been a better idea?

Favicon

2009-11-11T15:24:00.001+11:00

Adding a Favicon to your blogger / blogspot blog

1. Create a favicon - easiest way ever to do this is to go to http://www.iconj.com/icon_generator.php

You can upload any image and they will not only turn it into a .ico file (the kind of file required for a favicon to work)

Once it has converted your image you have the choice of downloading it so that you can host it on your own server, or they will host it for you.

If you are using blogspot like me, this free hosting option is just what u need as, sadly blogspot cant host.ico files as yet.

2. edit your html to include your favicon - for blogspot people all you need to do is copy the code generated when your favicon is created, login to your blogger account & add it to the <head> portion of your template.

3. If you don't know how to edit your template -> login to b;logger -> go to the layout tab -> then click on edit html

4. Find the line that has <head> written in it - it's in the first 10 or so lines -> then just paste the snippet of code in & hit save template.

Now when you view your blog you should be able to see your own custom icon instead of the bog standard orange and white Blogger B icon.